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The Onion’s Beach Bag Essentials

Each summer, Americans flock to the coasts to enjoy the sun and waves. Here are the beach bag must-haves you should never head to the shore without.

Top Family Vacation Spots

With school out for the summer, families are packing up and hitting the road. Here are The Onion’s top family vacation destinations.
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Firearm-Safety Tips

When operating a firearm, safety is paramount. Here are some tips to reduce the risk of mishaps:


  • Instill in your children a healthy fear of guns by drunkenly waving one in their faces whenever you've had a few too many.
  • If you shoot yourself in the foot, immediately contact a therapist to help you confront your fear of success.
  • Dismantle your gun and melt it into a plowshare.
  • Have spouse and children wear blaze orange and shout, "Family coming through!" when moving from room to room in your home.
  • Unload gun each night by firing into ceiling, counting each bullet in screamed German.
  • Store your gun at least four feet from your liquor cabinet.
  • Never let your child play with a gun that is loaded.
  • Stress to your children that guns are only for shooting bad people. Make sure they know the difference between good and bad people by having them name examples of each from their daily lives.
  • Boil your bullets to prevent transmitting germs to people you shoot.
  • Never use a firearm to settle a poker dispute, unless it's the absolute last option.
  • Shoot a puppy at point-blank range to illustrate to your children the seriousness of guns.
  • When preparing to pistol-whip someone, make sure the safety is on.
  • Don't leave bullets on the floor where you can slip on them. That's the real killer.
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