adBlockCheck

Local

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Fireflies Almost Salvage Man’s Shitty Day

TOLEDO, OH—According to reports, the intermittent flicker of fireflies above Charles Michaelson’s front porch Friday evening came close, but ultimately fell just short of salvaging his shitty day. “Oh, look, fireflies,” said Michaelson as he stared at the silently blinking green-yellow lights, briefly forgetting about his mishandling of a work project, gridlocked commute, and the doctor’s bill that was waiting in his mailbox. “That’s nice. I didn’t realize that they would still be out at this time of year.” At press time, Michaelson reportedly turned to look at the glowing insects a second time before realizing that, ultimately, fireflies do not solve anything.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close