Fireflies Almost Salvage Man’s Shitty Day

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Vol 50 Issue 33

God Knocked Unconscious By DirectTV Satellite

THE HEAVENS—Noting that He was a little shaken but would be all right, sources confirmed Friday that the Lord God Almighty, Our Heavenly Father, was struck by a DirecTV satellite approximately 22,000 miles above earth, rendering Him unconscious for ...
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Man Considers Nodding Approvingly After Friend’s Drink Purchase

MEQUON, WI—Seeking to convey his endorsement of his acquaintance's selection at local bar Coney's Draft House this evening, area man Thomas Dodge told reporters that he was considering nodding approvingly at his friend’s alcoholic beverage pur...

Fireflies Almost Salvage Man’s Shitty Day

TOLEDO, OH—According to reports, the intermittent flicker of fireflies above Charles Michaelson’s front porch Friday evening came close, but ultimately fell just short of salvaging his shitty day. “Oh, look, fireflies,” said Michaelson as he stared at the silently blinking green-yellow lights, briefly forgetting about his mishandling of a work project, gridlocked commute, and the doctor’s bill that was waiting in his mailbox. “That’s nice. I didn’t realize that they would still be out at this time of year.” At press time, Michaelson reportedly turned to look at the glowing insects a second time before realizing that, ultimately, fireflies do not solve anything.

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