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Firewood, Bread Top New Russian Agenda

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‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

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Firewood, Bread Top New Russian Agenda

MOSCOW—Russian leaders Monday unveiled their new agenda for the next several years: the procurement of firewood and bread. "Our homes are very cold," Kremlin official Igor Kerensky said. "Many of us have not eaten for days." The new agenda replaces a previous one, which involved the development of a technologically advanced, fully modernized nation-state capable of leading Europe into the 21st century. If the firewood plan is successful, within five years Russian leaders hope to shift their focus to obtaining running water and soap. "Do you have food?" Kerensky added. "I am very hungry."

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