First-Aid Tips

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Vol 36 Issue 37

Historical Inaccuracy Found In Wild West Strip Show

LAS VEGAS– Donald Nance, a vacationing Massillon, OH, accountant and history buff, detected a historical inaccuracy Monday in a Wild West-themed topless revue at Las Vegas' Mustang Club. "If you look at the pistols Miss Kitty was brandishing, they were clearly of a make not produced by the Colt factories until well after the turn of the century," Nance said. "And the kind of white patent-leather boots worn by the strippers were not produced at any time during the Westward Expansion phase." Nance also noted that pasties of the Wild West era did not feature tassels.

Indian Teen Caught Playing Air Sitar

HYDERABAD, INDIA– Rajesh Gopalakrishnan, 15, was deeply embarrassed Monday when his sister and her friend barged in on him as he played air sitar in his room. "Don't you know how to knock?" said a red-faced Gopalakrishnan, who was caught sitting cross-legged in front of his mirror, imitating Ravi Shankar while the sitar god's classic 1973 Ragas album played loudly. "The door is closed for a reason! Shiva." Gopalakrishnan, who also ran his hands through his hair and mimed a ferocious tabla solo before being interrupted, later added: "Arundhati Shridhar, the girl to whom I am promised for marriage, just saw me acting like a fool. I'm so humiliated, I could move on to my next life."

The Beatles Anthology

The 368-page Beatles Anthology, touted as the most authoritative account of the Fab Four, hit the bookstores last week. What are some of its more notable revelations?

I Will Decide What Is Appropriate For Children!

Among the mewling, puking horde of bottle-babies that is The Onion's reader-ship, there have always been those who seek to tell me how to run my business. Indeed, hardly a week goes by in which this strident minority of harpies are not complaining about my use of lead-based inks, the occasional tooth which has been pressed into the financial section, or The Onion's continued silence on the prison-reform issue.

I Been Trying To Figure Out A Way To Make Some Scratch

Hola, amigos. What's the situation? I know it's been a long time since I rapped at ya, but I've had a mountain of problems. First off, I had a major toothache that kept me awake for three nights in a row. The only good thing about it was that by the third night, I was seeing all kinds of fucked-up stuff. I mean, you remember that scene from The Wall where those hammers are marching? That's the kind of stuff I saw. No joke.

Family Spends Awkward, Silent Quality Time Together

AKRON, OH–They say the family that sits silently together stays silently together. And no one proves that old adage better than the Bladners. Whether enduring an uncomfortable outing at a local restaurant, attending an unpleasant community event, or simply staring blankly at the television, this tight-knit clan always makes an effort to spend plenty of awkward, silent quality time together.
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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First-Aid Tips

In a medical emergency, knowing what to do can make all the difference. Here are some tips to help you handle an unexpected injury or illness:


  • Keep a first-aid kit in your car's glove compartment. It should contain alcohol, cotton balls, Jar-Jar Band-Aids, ChapStick, car-bingo games, cigarettes, parking stubs, and a map of Ohio.
  • In the event of decapitation, sit the victim's body in a chair as best you can, balance the head on top of the shoulders, and walk away whistling nonchalantly.
  • Always keep plenty of gauze around the house in case you invent an invisibility potion.
  • If you did all you could and the victim still dies, pat him or her down for a Snickers bar. It's not like you don't deserve one.
  • Nothing revives a stroke victim like an eye-popping orgasm.
  • If someone you know is seriously injured, cradle his or her head in your lap and scream, "Why?"
  • Administering CPR is easy. Just do it like you saw them do on TV that one time.
  • In the event of accidental drug overdose, call Lou Reed immediately.
  • To stop a nosebleed, apply pressure. To start a nosebleed, apply even greater pressure in short, repeated bursts.
  • If a person requires artificial respiration, and you are of the same sex as the person, and no one of the opposite sex is around to perform the procedure, you are gay.
  • If the Heimlich maneuver is ineffective on a choking victim, grab his or her neck and squeeze downward to force the food into the stomach. If this fails, grab the victim's ankles and swing him or her around in a circle to force the food up.
  • Make sure your first-aid kid contains a large, frilly Victorian fan to revive fainting victims.
  • If you are a hideous, disfigured hunchback and you see someone who is injured and unconscious, treat the person. Then, as the person begins to wake up, retreat into hiding. The person will always wonder who saved him or her, and the experience will be poignant in a bittersweet way.
  • As a rule of thumb, always ask yourself this question: What would Randolph Mantooth do?
  • If possible, try to be the guy who tells the victim, "Everything's going to be all right," while others do the actual work.
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