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Keys To The Matchup: Packers vs. Falcons

The NFC Championship Game pits the Atlanta Falcons against the Green Bay Packers for the rare chance to play a meaningful game in Houston. Onion Sports breaks down what each team must do to win.

Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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First-Aid Tips

In a medical emergency, knowing what to do can make all the difference. Here are some tips to help you handle an unexpected injury or illness:


  • Keep a first-aid kit in your car's glove compartment. It should contain alcohol, cotton balls, Jar-Jar Band-Aids, ChapStick, car-bingo games, cigarettes, parking stubs, and a map of Ohio.
  • In the event of decapitation, sit the victim's body in a chair as best you can, balance the head on top of the shoulders, and walk away whistling nonchalantly.
  • Always keep plenty of gauze around the house in case you invent an invisibility potion.
  • If you did all you could and the victim still dies, pat him or her down for a Snickers bar. It's not like you don't deserve one.
  • Nothing revives a stroke victim like an eye-popping orgasm.
  • If someone you know is seriously injured, cradle his or her head in your lap and scream, "Why?"
  • Administering CPR is easy. Just do it like you saw them do on TV that one time.
  • In the event of accidental drug overdose, call Lou Reed immediately.
  • To stop a nosebleed, apply pressure. To start a nosebleed, apply even greater pressure in short, repeated bursts.
  • If a person requires artificial respiration, and you are of the same sex as the person, and no one of the opposite sex is around to perform the procedure, you are gay.
  • If the Heimlich maneuver is ineffective on a choking victim, grab his or her neck and squeeze downward to force the food into the stomach. If this fails, grab the victim's ankles and swing him or her around in a circle to force the food up.
  • Make sure your first-aid kid contains a large, frilly Victorian fan to revive fainting victims.
  • If you are a hideous, disfigured hunchback and you see someone who is injured and unconscious, treat the person. Then, as the person begins to wake up, retreat into hiding. The person will always wonder who saved him or her, and the experience will be poignant in a bittersweet way.
  • As a rule of thumb, always ask yourself this question: What would Randolph Mantooth do?
  • If possible, try to be the guy who tells the victim, "Everything's going to be all right," while others do the actual work.
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