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Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
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First-Aid Tips

In a medical emergency, knowing what to do can make all the difference. Here are some tips to help you handle an unexpected injury or illness:


  • Keep a first-aid kit in your car's glove compartment. It should contain alcohol, cotton balls, Jar-Jar Band-Aids, ChapStick, car-bingo games, cigarettes, parking stubs, and a map of Ohio.
  • In the event of decapitation, sit the victim's body in a chair as best you can, balance the head on top of the shoulders, and walk away whistling nonchalantly.
  • Always keep plenty of gauze around the house in case you invent an invisibility potion.
  • If you did all you could and the victim still dies, pat him or her down for a Snickers bar. It's not like you don't deserve one.
  • Nothing revives a stroke victim like an eye-popping orgasm.
  • If someone you know is seriously injured, cradle his or her head in your lap and scream, "Why?"
  • Administering CPR is easy. Just do it like you saw them do on TV that one time.
  • In the event of accidental drug overdose, call Lou Reed immediately.
  • To stop a nosebleed, apply pressure. To start a nosebleed, apply even greater pressure in short, repeated bursts.
  • If a person requires artificial respiration, and you are of the same sex as the person, and no one of the opposite sex is around to perform the procedure, you are gay.
  • If the Heimlich maneuver is ineffective on a choking victim, grab his or her neck and squeeze downward to force the food into the stomach. If this fails, grab the victim's ankles and swing him or her around in a circle to force the food up.
  • Make sure your first-aid kid contains a large, frilly Victorian fan to revive fainting victims.
  • If you are a hideous, disfigured hunchback and you see someone who is injured and unconscious, treat the person. Then, as the person begins to wake up, retreat into hiding. The person will always wonder who saved him or her, and the experience will be poignant in a bittersweet way.
  • As a rule of thumb, always ask yourself this question: What would Randolph Mantooth do?
  • If possible, try to be the guy who tells the victim, "Everything's going to be all right," while others do the actual work.
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