First-Aid Tips

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Strongside/Weakside: Odell Beckham Jr.

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Since bursting onto the scene in 2014, New York Giants wide receiver Odell Beckham Jr. has tormented opposing defenders with his dazzling one-handed punches. Is he any good?

Group Of Christie Campaign Deserters Found In Forest

SHAMONG, NJ—Huddling together around fires of burning yard signs while sipping small rations of soup from mugs adorned with the phrase “Telling It Like It Is,” a ragged encampment of advisers, pollsters, and volunteers who deserted Chris Christie’s presidential campaign was reportedly found living deep in a New Jersey forest Friday, authorities confirmed.

How To Talk To Your Child About Sex

It’s not easy to decide when and how to have a discussion with children about sex, and many parents wonder how explicit they should be or where to establish boundaries. Here are The Onion’s tips for having “the talk” with your kids:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • ‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

    PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.


First-Aid Tips

In a medical emergency, knowing what to do can make all the difference. Here are some tips to help you handle an unexpected injury or illness:

  • Keep a first-aid kit in your car's glove compartment. It should contain alcohol, cotton balls, Jar-Jar Band-Aids, ChapStick, car-bingo games, cigarettes, parking stubs, and a map of Ohio.
  • In the event of decapitation, sit the victim's body in a chair as best you can, balance the head on top of the shoulders, and walk away whistling nonchalantly.
  • Always keep plenty of gauze around the house in case you invent an invisibility potion.
  • If you did all you could and the victim still dies, pat him or her down for a Snickers bar. It's not like you don't deserve one.
  • Nothing revives a stroke victim like an eye-popping orgasm.
  • If someone you know is seriously injured, cradle his or her head in your lap and scream, "Why?"
  • Administering CPR is easy. Just do it like you saw them do on TV that one time.
  • In the event of accidental drug overdose, call Lou Reed immediately.
  • To stop a nosebleed, apply pressure. To start a nosebleed, apply even greater pressure in short, repeated bursts.
  • If a person requires artificial respiration, and you are of the same sex as the person, and no one of the opposite sex is around to perform the procedure, you are gay.
  • If the Heimlich maneuver is ineffective on a choking victim, grab his or her neck and squeeze downward to force the food into the stomach. If this fails, grab the victim's ankles and swing him or her around in a circle to force the food up.
  • Make sure your first-aid kid contains a large, frilly Victorian fan to revive fainting victims.
  • If you are a hideous, disfigured hunchback and you see someone who is injured and unconscious, treat the person. Then, as the person begins to wake up, retreat into hiding. The person will always wonder who saved him or her, and the experience will be poignant in a bittersweet way.
  • As a rule of thumb, always ask yourself this question: What would Randolph Mantooth do?
  • If possible, try to be the guy who tells the victim, "Everything's going to be all right," while others do the actual work.