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First-Amendment Bug Removed From Bill Of Rights 2.0

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Diehard Trump Voters Confirm Rest Of Nation Should Stop Wasting Time Trying To Reach Them

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Hillary Clinton Holds Infant Grandson Upside Down By Ankle In Front Of Convention Crowd

‘Family,’ Candidate Says

PHILADELPHIA—Seeking to make her case to the nation’s voters as she accepted her party’s presidential nomination Thursday night, Hillary Clinton reportedly began her headlining address at the Democratic National Convention by holding her infant grandson, Aidan, upside down by his ankle and firmly intoning the word “Family” in front of the assembled crowd.

Hillary Clinton Waiting In Wings Of Stage Since 6 A.M. For DNC Speech

PHILADELPHIA—Saying she arrived hours before any of the members of the production crew, sources confirmed Thursday that presidential nominee Hillary Clinton has been waiting in the wings of the Wells Fargo Center stage since six o’clock this morning to deliver her speech at the Democratic National Convention.

Depressed, Butter-Covered Tom Vilsack Enters Sixth Day Of Corn Bender After Losing VP Spot

WASHINGTON—Saying she has grown increasingly concerned about her husband’s mental and physical well-being since last Friday, Christie Vilsack, the wife of Agriculture Secretary Tom Vilsack, told reporters Thursday that the despondent, butter-covered cabinet member has entered the sixth day of a destructive corn bender after being passed over for the Democratic vice presidential spot.
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First-Amendment Bug Removed From Bill Of Rights 2.0

WASHINGTON, DC—Federal officials unveiled the newly updated Bill Of Rights 2.0 at last weekend's Govworld Expo '99. The enhanced version of the document is said to be free of the First Amendment bug which had plagued previous releases.

"This correction was long overdue," said Gordon Proehl, head of the team that updated the Bill Of Rights. "This bug was causing a whole host of problems—problems the original programmers never could have anticipated when they first developed the document in 1789."

According to Proehl, Bill Of Rights 2.0 is much less complicated than its predecessor, reducing the risk of user error, as well as such glitches as dissent and civil unrest.

"There should be a lot less trouble now," Proehl said, "particularly of the sort that nearly caused the entire country to break down in the late 1960s."

The First Amendment bug had been causing problems ever since the much-hyped 1791 launch of Bill Of Rights 1.0.

"Though it had its strong points, the old version was terribly confusing," Department Of Justice spokesperson Richard Reese said. "And the fact that it didn't come with a user's manual certainly didn't help. Literally thousands of books were written about how to properly use it. But thanks to the streamlined, easier-to-use version 2.0, Americans can enjoy having one less thing to think about."

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