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Robert Mueller Driving SUV 100 MPH Down Runway As Air Force One Narrowly Lifts Off

PRINCE GEORGE’S COUNTY, MD—Sending a pair of guards scrambling for safety as he gunned his black SUV through a chain-link gate and onto the tarmac, Robert Mueller, the former FBI director who was recently tapped to lead the ongoing investigation into the Trump campaign’s ties to Russia, chased Air Force One down the runway at Joint Base Andrews moments before takeoff, sources reported Tuesday.
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First-Amendment Bug Removed From Bill Of Rights 2.0

WASHINGTON, DC—Federal officials unveiled the newly updated Bill Of Rights 2.0 at last weekend's Govworld Expo '99. The enhanced version of the document is said to be free of the First Amendment bug which had plagued previous releases.

"This correction was long overdue," said Gordon Proehl, head of the team that updated the Bill Of Rights. "This bug was causing a whole host of problems—problems the original programmers never could have anticipated when they first developed the document in 1789."

According to Proehl, Bill Of Rights 2.0 is much less complicated than its predecessor, reducing the risk of user error, as well as such glitches as dissent and civil unrest.

"There should be a lot less trouble now," Proehl said, "particularly of the sort that nearly caused the entire country to break down in the late 1960s."

The First Amendment bug had been causing problems ever since the much-hyped 1791 launch of Bill Of Rights 1.0.

"Though it had its strong points, the old version was terribly confusing," Department Of Justice spokesperson Richard Reese said. "And the fact that it didn't come with a user's manual certainly didn't help. Literally thousands of books were written about how to properly use it. But thanks to the streamlined, easier-to-use version 2.0, Americans can enjoy having one less thing to think about."

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