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Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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First-Amendment Bug Removed From Bill Of Rights 2.0

WASHINGTON, DC—Federal officials unveiled the newly updated Bill Of Rights 2.0 at last weekend's Govworld Expo '99. The enhanced version of the document is said to be free of the First Amendment bug which had plagued previous releases.

"This correction was long overdue," said Gordon Proehl, head of the team that updated the Bill Of Rights. "This bug was causing a whole host of problems—problems the original programmers never could have anticipated when they first developed the document in 1789."

According to Proehl, Bill Of Rights 2.0 is much less complicated than its predecessor, reducing the risk of user error, as well as such glitches as dissent and civil unrest.

"There should be a lot less trouble now," Proehl said, "particularly of the sort that nearly caused the entire country to break down in the late 1960s."

The First Amendment bug had been causing problems ever since the much-hyped 1791 launch of Bill Of Rights 1.0.

"Though it had its strong points, the old version was terribly confusing," Department Of Justice spokesperson Richard Reese said. "And the fact that it didn't come with a user's manual certainly didn't help. Literally thousands of books were written about how to properly use it. But thanks to the streamlined, easier-to-use version 2.0, Americans can enjoy having one less thing to think about."

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