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After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:
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First Day Of School Photos A Chance To See How Much Cousin’s Kids Are Chunking Out This Year

SARASOTA, FL—Clicking through the back-to-school photo album his cousin Janice recently posted on Facebook, local man Paul Stewart told reporters Wednesday that he was really enjoying the opportunity to see how much her kids are chunking out. “They were a couple of butterballs last year, but wow, they are really packing on the lard now,” said Stewart, noting a photo in which the two chubsters stood in their driveway wearing new clothes and backpacks and posed with their doughy little arms around each other. “Kyle’s turning into quite the porker. And Tyler’s already in third grade? Wow, I almost didn’t recognize that blubbersaurus.” Stewart added that he wouldn’t be surprised if these two blimps didn’t each put on another 20 pounds by Halloween and was eagerly awaiting the trick-or-treating pictures.

After Birth

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