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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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First Grandma, Treasury Secretary Geithner Up All Night Talking, Laughing

WASHINGTON—Accounts from several White House staffers suggest Treasury Secretary Timothy F. Geithner and the president's live-in mother-in-law, Marian Robinson, have developed an unlikely bond, meeting nearly every night by the Green Room fireplace after Geithner has finished his daily economic briefing and Robinson has put her granddaughters Sasha and Malia to bed. "They're generations apart, but they've really hit it off," said aide Jennifer Bronner, who often sees the 71-year-old retiree from Chicago's South Side and the 47-year-old overseer of the nation's economy spend hours giggling and whispering together late into the night. "Last night I heard [Robinson] call Secretary Geithner 'Honeybee' when she offered him one of her famous chocolate-chip walnut cookies and a mug of hot cocoa. They share something that would warm the heart of even the most jaded old cynic." Despite his uphill battle against a worsening recession and failing global markets, Geithner's midnight chats with Robinson have reportedly taught him to take life one day at a time, not sweat the small stuff, and always save old nylons so they can be filled with potpourri and used to freshen sock drawers.

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