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First National Bank Announces: 'Suckers, We're Keeping All the Money'

First National Bank executives met Friday to divvy up the money it will not return to accountholders. CEO J. Ephraim Gunderloy (inset) plans on hunting humans for sport on his own private island. He will also rape indiscriminately.
First National Bank executives met Friday to divvy up the money it will not return to accountholders. CEO J. Ephraim Gunderloy (inset) plans on hunting humans for sport on his own private island. He will also rape indiscriminately.

BOSTON—The First National Bank of Boston, the nation’s largest commercial bank, announced yesterday that it will no longer hold on to its customers’ money and instead keep it all for itself to use in any way it pleases. Bank officials cited the expense of several ambitious projects, including the construction of an immense corporate palace, as cause for the policy change.

“Possession is nine-tenths of the law, so it is with the law on our side that I say to all First National customers, you are shit out of luck,” CEO J. Ephraim Gunderloy said at a press conference.

Added Vice President of Sales and Marketing Theobald T. Worthington: “An internationally renowned financial giant like First National has far more important uses for this money than do our small-time accountholders, many of whom live paycheck to paycheck, occasionally withdrawing a few dollars to pay their rent or buy corn dogs.”

According to the bank’s statement, merely protecting the money of commoners was a short-sighted and unprofitable goal. The paltry interest earned on accounts and even on high-rate loans was nothing compared to the outright liquidation of all capital held in the bank.

“The numbers just made sense for us,” Worthington said. “We add up all of our fees and service charges and it still amounts to nothing in relation to the gross capital in the bank proper. I mean, this is a pretty big bank, and not to give away too much, but all told, we’ve got billions of dollars just sitting there for the taking.”

Customers’ money will now largely go to fund the construction of a new state-of-the-art First National headquarters, made entirely of ivory, bank spokespeople said. Precious stones will be set into the walls, and all light fixtures will be made of solid gold. Because of the building’s enormous size, officials hope to interconnect various departments with an elaborate system of canals and viaducts, each flowing with molten gold and cruised by luxurious onyx pleasure barges.

“Our executives will be distinguished by the height of the ostrich they ride,” Gunderloy said. “The taller the ostrich, the more significant the job title. My ostrich, for example, will measure eight feet, three and one-half inches, while Mr. Worthington’s will be only six feet, two and three-quarters.”

Junior executives, meanwhile, will have to content themselves with emus.

Other uses for the money include a First National corporate space shuttle, weekly bonfires of bills with bent corners, and 800 Faberge eggs for First National executives to throw at each other for no reason at all.

First National informed its customers of the change in their account status by enclosing a form letter in lieu of January account statements. The note read, “Due to a shift in corporate policy, we are keeping all money currently held at First National. Your First National account is officially closed. We have eliminated our customer service department, so, we will be unable to answer any questions about this change. Thank you for banking with us.”

Many accountholders expressed disappointment in having all their money taken by the bank.

“Not only is my retirement fund gone, but also my children’s college money,” First National customer Gerard Falstaff said. “Now I will have to sell at least two of my children into indentured servitude and will either have to start saving from scratch again or just kill myself. This is pretty disappointing.”

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