adBlockCheck

Local

Scientology Minister Accused Of Molesting Thetans

The Church of Scientology plunged into scandal Thursday when Frank D. Linehan, a prominent minister who has helped thousands of parishioners move up the Bridge to Total Freedom and achieve Clear, was arrested on 471 charges of molesting alien thetans.

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
End Of Section
  • More News

First Orgy After Brian's Death Very Solemn

FAIRFIELD, CA—Lacking the exuberance, spontaneity, and airborne bodily fluids of previous all-night fuckfests, the first orgy since the passing of group-sex enthusiast Brian Hodge was a solemn and subdued affair, heavily lubricated sources reported Monday.

Friends of the late Brian Hodge gather in quiet remembrance.

"Spirits were definitely low," said Catherine Davis, who claimed that Hodge's accidental drowning was almost as unexpected as the time Scott Warner reached climax inside her mouth. "We were clearly all hurting on the inside. Especially Marissa, who got double-teamed right from the start."

The orgy, which was marked by long stretches of silence despite the use of only two ball gags, began shortly before midnight when a number of somber participants halfheartedly undressed and arranged one another in a melancholy daisy chain on the floor.

"I tried acting like nothing had changed, like this was just another four-hour marathon of raucous, uninterrupted intercourse," orgy attendee Jeremy Bowman said. "But every time I looked down at those plastic sheets, or at that stack of anal beads on the kitchen table, or even into Stephanie [Winter]'s gaping vulva, all I could think about was Brian."

Hodge's passing reportedly had a severe effect on all of the swingers and fetishists, many of whom admitted to simply going through the motions of straddling their partners and pumping their fists into each other's anuses.

"We all just sat there at first, with Sabrina on top of Rob, and Craig and Dorothy sort of taking turns between Phillip's thighs," said Doug Wiviott, who claimed he felt "completely numb" long before applying stamina cream to his genitals. "It was like there was this big hole now—one none of us could fill."

Feelings of sorrow and grief reportedly had an impact on the sexual appetite of the normally insatiable participants, many of whom could "barely manage" to fit more than three or four cocks in their grieving oral cavities at once.

"Nobody knew Brian like we did—not his parents, not his brother, not even his wife," fuck-fiend Rebecca Baker said. "After all, Brian was more than just a guy who sometimes strapped on a jelly dong and did you from the side. He was also a guy who sometimes squeezed your breasts so hard you thought you were going to explode."

In addition to sparking hushed disputes over whether using a double-headed dildo was in poor taste, and discouraging numerous attendees from engaging in double penetration out of respect, Hodge's sudden death left many feeling confused.

"I know this is going to sound weird, but there were times during the orgy when I half-expected Brian to sneak up behind me and stick a finger in my ass again," friend Robert Luchs said. "I guess you never realize how much you'll miss someone until you have to manually stimulate your own prostate."

While the pained expressions on the faces of those getting drilled reportedly said it all, some participants came away from the orgy with a more positive outlook on life.

"Sure, it was sad, but I'll always have fond memories of Brian to look back on," sadomasochist Dale Kingsley said. "That and the approximately 300 hours of videotaped footage I've amassed of him over the years."

Orgy organizer Kyle Brossard, whom some accused of being "insensitive" and "a nymphomaniac," had initially considered canceling Monday's sexual free-for-all. Ultimately, Broward decided it was more important to be among friends and find some much-needed solace in the arms, legs, mouth, taint, and bodily cavities of loved ones.

"I know that if Brian were still alive today, he would have wanted us to finger-cuff Christine seven ways from Sunday," Brossard said. "That's just the way he was."

Added Brossard: "I'm so happy we all had the chance to come together like this."

More from this section

Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close