First Orgy After Brian's Death Very Solemn

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WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

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DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

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FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

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Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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First Orgy After Brian's Death Very Solemn

FAIRFIELD, CA—Lacking the exuberance, spontaneity, and airborne bodily fluids of previous all-night fuckfests, the first orgy since the passing of group-sex enthusiast Brian Hodge was a solemn and subdued affair, heavily lubricated sources reported Monday.

Friends of the late Brian Hodge gather in quiet remembrance.

"Spirits were definitely low," said Catherine Davis, who claimed that Hodge's accidental drowning was almost as unexpected as the time Scott Warner reached climax inside her mouth. "We were clearly all hurting on the inside. Especially Marissa, who got double-teamed right from the start."

The orgy, which was marked by long stretches of silence despite the use of only two ball gags, began shortly before midnight when a number of somber participants halfheartedly undressed and arranged one another in a melancholy daisy chain on the floor.

"I tried acting like nothing had changed, like this was just another four-hour marathon of raucous, uninterrupted intercourse," orgy attendee Jeremy Bowman said. "But every time I looked down at those plastic sheets, or at that stack of anal beads on the kitchen table, or even into Stephanie [Winter]'s gaping vulva, all I could think about was Brian."

Hodge's passing reportedly had a severe effect on all of the swingers and fetishists, many of whom admitted to simply going through the motions of straddling their partners and pumping their fists into each other's anuses.

"We all just sat there at first, with Sabrina on top of Rob, and Craig and Dorothy sort of taking turns between Phillip's thighs," said Doug Wiviott, who claimed he felt "completely numb" long before applying stamina cream to his genitals. "It was like there was this big hole now—one none of us could fill."

Feelings of sorrow and grief reportedly had an impact on the sexual appetite of the normally insatiable participants, many of whom could "barely manage" to fit more than three or four cocks in their grieving oral cavities at once.

"Nobody knew Brian like we did—not his parents, not his brother, not even his wife," fuck-fiend Rebecca Baker said. "After all, Brian was more than just a guy who sometimes strapped on a jelly dong and did you from the side. He was also a guy who sometimes squeezed your breasts so hard you thought you were going to explode."

In addition to sparking hushed disputes over whether using a double-headed dildo was in poor taste, and discouraging numerous attendees from engaging in double penetration out of respect, Hodge's sudden death left many feeling confused.

"I know this is going to sound weird, but there were times during the orgy when I half-expected Brian to sneak up behind me and stick a finger in my ass again," friend Robert Luchs said. "I guess you never realize how much you'll miss someone until you have to manually stimulate your own prostate."

While the pained expressions on the faces of those getting drilled reportedly said it all, some participants came away from the orgy with a more positive outlook on life.

"Sure, it was sad, but I'll always have fond memories of Brian to look back on," sadomasochist Dale Kingsley said. "That and the approximately 300 hours of videotaped footage I've amassed of him over the years."

Orgy organizer Kyle Brossard, whom some accused of being "insensitive" and "a nymphomaniac," had initially considered canceling Monday's sexual free-for-all. Ultimately, Broward decided it was more important to be among friends and find some much-needed solace in the arms, legs, mouth, taint, and bodily cavities of loved ones.

"I know that if Brian were still alive today, he would have wanted us to finger-cuff Christine seven ways from Sunday," Brossard said. "That's just the way he was."

Added Brossard: "I'm so happy we all had the chance to come together like this."