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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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First Question From Debate Audience Somehow Comes From Paul Ryan

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Following the opening statements by President Barack Obama and challenger Mitt Romney during tonight’s town-hall-style debate, the first question asked by an audience member somehow managed to come from Republican vice presidential nominee Paul Ryan.

“Gov. Romney, let me start off by saying I have a lot of admiration for you and your family, and it’s a great honor to have this opportunity to speak with you,” said Ryan, who wore a flannel shirt tucked into jeans and was introduced by debate moderator Candy Crowley as “Paul, an undecided voter from Wisconsin.” “As a man of faith who hails from America’s heartland and is deeply devoted to his wife and three children, I am very concerned about the direction our country is headed in. Like many voters four years ago, I was skeptical of Barack Obama’s leadership skills, and as we all know, the American people are now paying a terrible price for having elected him president of the United States. This economy has left a lot of good folks out of work, and when our struggling families look at how every single policy enacted by the Obama administration has only made things worse, they can’t help but worry about what will happen if this man is given a second term. I must admit, Gov. Romney, I share their fears. I believe I speak for a lot of us voters who are still on the fence in this election when I say that in your last debate performance—which, by the way, was tremendous—you presented an admirable plan to rein in the deficit and bring back jobs to America. All of this pertains to my question, which I’ll get to in a moment, but first I want to quickly build on my earlier statement and note that I’m both a religious man and a family man, and it’s been a tremendous reassurance to hear you speak of your commitment to families and to the values that define who we are as Americans. I do want to wrap this up, but not before I tell you that my wife, my children, my mother, and all the people I know stand behind you. America stands behind you. God bless you, Gov. Romney, and God bless America. Now, given the savagery with which Barack Obama has worked to destroy everything we hold dear in this country, will you be able to reverse each of his failed policies in your first 100 days in office—or can you do it even faster than that?”

The vice presidential candidate then sat down and immediately raised his hand again for a “follow-up question.”

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