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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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First-Time Carjacker Wasn’t Expecting A Stick Shift

FULLERTON, CA—Glancing in evident alarm at the automobile’s unfamiliar five-speed gear stick, first-time carjacker Julian Kearney sheepishly told reporters Tuesday that he was in no way expecting to steal a vehicle with a manual transmission. “Ah, Christ, a stick shift? You’ve gotta be kidding me,” said Kearney, silently cursing himself for forgetting to make sure the sedan had an automatic transmission with a straightforward setting marked “Drive” before bludgeoning its owner, forcibly heaving her from the driver’s seat, and climbing in. “Okay, I can figure this out. I’ll just press down the clutch, ease it on forward, and—oh, God, that doesn’t sound good at all. How the hell does anyone do this?” At press time, Kearney was reportedly engaged in a 14-mile-per-hour lurching pursuit with local police.


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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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