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First-Time Carjacker Wasn’t Expecting A Stick Shift

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360 Tour: Inside The RNC

The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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First-Time Carjacker Wasn’t Expecting A Stick Shift

FULLERTON, CA—Glancing in evident alarm at the automobile’s unfamiliar five-speed gear stick, first-time carjacker Julian Kearney sheepishly told reporters Tuesday that he was in no way expecting to steal a vehicle with a manual transmission. “Ah, Christ, a stick shift? You’ve gotta be kidding me,” said Kearney, silently cursing himself for forgetting to make sure the sedan had an automatic transmission with a straightforward setting marked “Drive” before bludgeoning its owner, forcibly heaving her from the driver’s seat, and climbing in. “Okay, I can figure this out. I’ll just press down the clutch, ease it on forward, and—oh, God, that doesn’t sound good at all. How the hell does anyone do this?” At press time, Kearney was reportedly engaged in a 14-mile-per-hour lurching pursuit with local police.


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