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Brad Pitt Sidelined 6 To 8 Weeks With Red Carpet Toe

LOS ANGELES—Saying doctors strongly recommended that he stay off the injured foot, representatives for Brad Pitt confirmed to reporters Sunday that the actor was sidelined six to eight weeks with a case of red carpet toe.

The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:
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First-Time Carjacker Wasn’t Expecting A Stick Shift

FULLERTON, CA—Glancing in evident alarm at the automobile’s unfamiliar five-speed gear stick, first-time carjacker Julian Kearney sheepishly told reporters Tuesday that he was in no way expecting to steal a vehicle with a manual transmission. “Ah, Christ, a stick shift? You’ve gotta be kidding me,” said Kearney, silently cursing himself for forgetting to make sure the sedan had an automatic transmission with a straightforward setting marked “Drive” before bludgeoning its owner, forcibly heaving her from the driver’s seat, and climbing in. “Okay, I can figure this out. I’ll just press down the clutch, ease it on forward, and—oh, God, that doesn’t sound good at all. How the hell does anyone do this?” At press time, Kearney was reportedly engaged in a 14-mile-per-hour lurching pursuit with local police.


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