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Police Find Super-Sharp Buck Knife

'It's The Kind With A Blade That Locks In Place,' Says Law Enforcement Spokesperson

Warning residents that the blade was “super deadly” and “badass,” city police officials held a press conference Wednesday to announce that they had found a really cool wooden-handled Buck-brand pocketknife on the street.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Fish Murder Is Disgusting And Wrong

Hey folks, real grim Inside the Bench this week on a horrifying subculture of athletes that dare to lure fish in with sharpened hooks designed to look like worms or flies. Brings up some rough stuff from my childhood when my uncle would take me on trips with the express intent of torturing and killing as many fish as we could find.

It was a sick game. Cast a hook into the water. Allow this poor, brainless fish to believe, trusting as you please, that they were about to eat fish food. Then yank with all your might, nearly trying to rip a whole through the top of his mouth and head, eviscerating the creature before it could even be hauled onto the boat.

As what my mother always called a 'sensitive' child, this inspired no shortage of crying and vomiting on my part. Please watch this piece as a favor to me and stop being part of the problem. Be part of the solution.

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