Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.

How Obamacare Can Be Improved

With Aetna just the latest health insurance provider to opt out of covering Obamacare markets, many are wondering what changes can make the Affordable Care Act more appealing to customers and insurance companies. Here are some proposed improvements

How Internet Clickbait Works

Facebook and other sites have recently begun to fight back against “clickbait,” often misleading internet posts designed to be seen by as many readers as possible. The Onion breaks down the production and spread of this content
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Fisher-Price Designer Would Like To See 2-Year-Old Try And Choke On Newest Version

EAST AURORA, NY—Remarking upon the toy’s lack of removable parts and childproof battery compartment, Fisher-Price designer Matthew Hayden told reporters Thursday that he’d like to see a 2-year-old just try and choke on the newest version of the Go Baby Go 1-2-3 Crawl-Along Snail. “I’m telling you, this thing is rock solid. A toddler is welcome to cram it in their mouth and give it their best shot, but there’s no damn way any piece is coming off,” said Hayden, noting that a child aged 6-24 months would have to have “a hell of a big mouth” to be able to swallow the toy’s sliding ladybug component. “Go ahead, leave a kid unattended with the Go Baby Go 1-2-3 Crawl-Along Snail for five minutes and see if anything happens. If a 2-year-old finds a way to lodge any part of this in his trachea, completely obstructing airflow and resulting in death, I’d be impressed. Hell, I’d give him a standing ovation.” Hayden, who confirmed that while there was “no fucking way” a 2-year-old could choke on any part of the Crawl-Along Snail, said he couldn’t speak to whether or not the toy’s paint contained any carcinogens.

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