Five-Disc Jazz Anthology Still Unopened

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Vol 39 Issue 22

Man In Bar Makes General Inquiry About The Ladies

SAN ANTONIO, TX—Sitting on a barstool at the Stone Werks Tavern, Barry Todd, 39, made a general inquiry regarding the status of the ladies Monday. "So, what's the deal with the ladies tonight?" asked Todd, speaking to no one in particular. "Are they alone, or are they here with somebody? I hope they're not all uptight and stuck-up." After receiving no definitive answer, Todd spent the remainder of the evening flipping through the CDs on the jukebox and nursing his warm Michelob Light.

Cameraman Finds Sole Black Person In Studio Audience

LINCOLN, NE—During Tuesday's live broadcast of Mornings With Connie & Bill, Channel 8 cameraman Tom Benes managed to find Yolanda Davis, the only African-American in an otherwise all-Caucasian studio audience. "Connie [Dell] and Bill [Jordan] were chatting about Gladys Knight coming to town, and I just felt it would be nice to get a reaction shot from someone of color," Benes said. "That's the kind of subtle thing that makes the show more enjoyable for viewers at home." Benes kept his camera trained on Davis during the entire discussion of the Knight concert and later got a quick shot of her during a brief mention of Halle Berry.

Bakery's Closing Nets Man Ton Of Free Éclairs

CEDAR RAPIDS, IA—Area resident Andrew Rutherford, 43, took advantage of the 7 p.m. closing of Napoleon's French bakery Monday, taking home what he described as a "ton" of free éclairs. "I swung by to get a donut just as they were closing up shop for the night, and this guy behind the counter asks if I wanted, like, three huge bags of éclairs for nothing," Rutherford said. "So I'm like, 'Hell, yeah!' They were just gonna throw them away, I guess. My roommates were so psyched." Though weighing far less than an actual ton, the éclair bags tipped the scales at nearly nine pounds.

MC Serch Updates List Of Gas-Face Recipients

QUEENS, NY—For the first time since the list's 1989 release, MC Serch of 3rd Bass unveiled an updated Gas Face list Tuesday, removing such longtime recipients as Hammer and P.W. Botha in favor of more current wrongdoers. "Osama bin Laden... gets the gas face," MC Serch, flanked by Prime Minister Pete Nice, told reporters. "Bill O'Reilly, shut the fuck up! Gas face!" Also included on MC Serch's newly revised Gas Face list were Scott Peterson, U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum (R-PA), and Grand Puba.

Graduation Party More Lucrative Than Planned Future Career

BLOOMINGTON, IN—Caryn Niering, who last week received a Bachelor of Arts degree from Indiana University, earned more in cash and gifts during her graduation party Monday than she can ever hope to amass in her chosen career as a school psychologist. "I got a pretty sweet deal at the party," Niering said. "My uncle Mark gave me a check for $1,000, and my dad bought me a new Volkswagen Jetta." Niering's total haul at the graduation party was $19,600, while her starting salary as a school psychologist will be $17,000 a year.

Exaggerating The WMD Threat

Critics are accusing the Bush Administration of distorting the destructive threat posed by Iraq. Among the U.S. claims under suspicion:
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

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Five-Disc Jazz Anthology Still Unopened

LOUISVILLE, KY—A five-disc jazz-anthology box set, lovingly assembled to give novices an appreciation and understanding of the uniquely American art form, remains unopened nearly two years after its purchase, sources reported Monday.

The unopened box set.

"Yeah, I should really give that a spin one of these days," said Marc Bergkamp, 29, who in July 2001 purchased Ken Burns Jazz: The Story Of American Music for $69.99. "I just haven't had the time to sit down and go through it. I was thinking about putting it on this weekend while I clean my apartment, but jazz isn't really cleaning music. I need something a little more rocking, like The White Stripes or something."

Bergkamp purchased the deluxe box set after watching a portion of an episode of the 10-part, 19-hour Ken Burns Jazz documentary on PBS.

"I'd always meant to buy more jazz, but every time I went record shopping, there'd be something I wanted more," Bergkamp said. "Finally, after seeing the thing on PBS, I decided to commit to getting some. I went down to Tower [Records] to get a Miles Davis CD, but there were, like, dozens of them, not to mention all these 40-disc Complete Live At The Plugged Nickel—1965 box sets or whatever. I ended up buying an Ornette Coleman CD, since I knew he's supposed to be pretty important, but that ended up being a total mistake. So a few days later, I went back for the Burns box."

Continued Bergkamp: "Even though I haven't cracked it open, I've looked over the list of artists included. It seems like there are some pretty big names on there, people I should really try to force myself to know."

Despite his lack of familiarity with jazz, Bergkamp said he has listened to it on numerous occasions over the years.

"One of my friends in college made me a mix tape that I used to play while I studied," Bergkamp said. "Unfortunately, she didn't write down any of the people. I'm pretty sure there were a couple of John Coltrane songs on there, but I don't know which ones. Ever since then, if I'm just chilling out reading a magazine, I'll put on a jazz station, but I never really catch who plays what."

By purchasing the anthology, Bergkamp said he hoped to broaden his musical horizons, as well as improve his romantic life.

"Girls love guys who are into jazz," Bergkamp said. "Knowing about, like, Thelonious Monk makes you look all sophisticated and soulful. Next time there's some chick I want to score with, I'm sure the box set will do the trick, but I really should take off the shrink wrap before I bring her home. I don't want it to look like I bought it just to impress her."

Bergkamp said he sees his purchase as a sign of his growing maturity.

"I feel like I'm at an age where's I'm too old to just like rock and rap and R&B," Bergkamp said. "I still really prefer it, but to have a few Charles Mingus CDs in your CD collection is a nice way to make you feel like more of an adult. Plus, if I ever feel like listening to something without lyrics, it's there."

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