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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Fixin's Added To Food Pyramid

WASHINGTON, DC—Updating the dietary guide to reflect current U.S. eating habits, the Department of Agriculture announced Monday that it has added a "fixin's" food group to the USDA Food Pyramid. "We recommend five to eight daily servings from the fixin's group, which includes such hearty sides as cole slaw, mashed potatoes, steak fries, baked beans, and mac 'n' cheese," Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman said. "So go ahead and treat yourself to all the fixin's you want. They're not only free, they're recommended." Also falling within the fixin's group, Veneman said, are burger toppings, including fried onions, cheese sauce, and bacon-smothered mushrooms.

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