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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Flag In Front Of Post Office Can Hardly Remember A Time It Wasn't Flying Half-Staff

MINERAL, VA—After this week’s bombing at the Boston Marathon prompted employees at a local post office to once again partially lower their American flag in honor of the attack’s victims, the flag told reporters Wednesday that it can barely even remember a time when it wasn’t flying at half-staff. “Honestly, I can’t think of the last time I got to fly at the top of the flagpole for any real duration without some new senseless act of violence forcing me down pretty much immediately,” said the banner, which pointed to the Newtown massacre, the Aurora shooting, and the Tucson shooting as just a few of the national tragedies that have kept it in the middle of the flagstaff in recent months. “Every now and then I’ll get the chance to go all the way up the pole, but then the post office guys come out later in the day with these grim looks on their faces and I just know something terrible has happened and it’s right back to the middle again. And honestly, I’d really much rather be at the top of the pole, if it were up to me.” Though the flag noted that it would likely continue being flown at half-staff for at least the remainder of the week, it expressed optimism it might get the chance to be displayed at full-summit for possibly a day or two “before the next one.”

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