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Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Flag In Front Of Post Office Can Hardly Remember A Time It Wasn't Flying Half-Staff

MINERAL, VA—After this week’s bombing at the Boston Marathon prompted employees at a local post office to once again partially lower their American flag in honor of the attack’s victims, the flag told reporters Wednesday that it can barely even remember a time when it wasn’t flying at half-staff. “Honestly, I can’t think of the last time I got to fly at the top of the flagpole for any real duration without some new senseless act of violence forcing me down pretty much immediately,” said the banner, which pointed to the Newtown massacre, the Aurora shooting, and the Tucson shooting as just a few of the national tragedies that have kept it in the middle of the flagstaff in recent months. “Every now and then I’ll get the chance to go all the way up the pole, but then the post office guys come out later in the day with these grim looks on their faces and I just know something terrible has happened and it’s right back to the middle again. And honestly, I’d really much rather be at the top of the pole, if it were up to me.” Though the flag noted that it would likely continue being flown at half-staff for at least the remainder of the week, it expressed optimism it might get the chance to be displayed at full-summit for possibly a day or two “before the next one.”

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Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

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