Flag In Front Of Post Office Can Hardly Remember A Time It Wasn't Flying Half-Staff

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 16

Lakers vs. Spurs

The Lakers face the Spurs in the first round of the NBA playoffs, reigniting a rivalry not quite as old as most of the players involved.

Louis Charles

Louis Charles, 17, added a little water to the nearly empty mustard bottle so his parents wouldn’t be able to tell he took some.
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Healthy Eating

Healthy Living

  • The Onion’s Guide To Gym Etiquette

    Every new year brings a surge in gym membership from new members nicknamed “resolutionists,” many of whom may be unaware that there are unspoken rules everyone must observe when working out.

Flag In Front Of Post Office Can Hardly Remember A Time It Wasn't Flying Half-Staff

MINERAL, VA—After this week’s bombing at the Boston Marathon prompted employees at a local post office to once again partially lower their American flag in honor of the attack’s victims, the flag told reporters Wednesday that it can barely even remember a time when it wasn’t flying at half-staff. “Honestly, I can’t think of the last time I got to fly at the top of the flagpole for any real duration without some new senseless act of violence forcing me down pretty much immediately,” said the banner, which pointed to the Newtown massacre, the Aurora shooting, and the Tucson shooting as just a few of the national tragedies that have kept it in the middle of the flagstaff in recent months. “Every now and then I’ll get the chance to go all the way up the pole, but then the post office guys come out later in the day with these grim looks on their faces and I just know something terrible has happened and it’s right back to the middle again. And honestly, I’d really much rather be at the top of the pole, if it were up to me.” Though the flag noted that it would likely continue being flown at half-staff for at least the remainder of the week, it expressed optimism it might get the chance to be displayed at full-summit for possibly a day or two “before the next one.”

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More