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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Flag In Front Of Post Office Can Hardly Remember A Time It Wasn't Flying Half-Staff

MINERAL, VA—After this week’s bombing at the Boston Marathon prompted employees at a local post office to once again partially lower their American flag in honor of the attack’s victims, the flag told reporters Wednesday that it can barely even remember a time when it wasn’t flying at half-staff. “Honestly, I can’t think of the last time I got to fly at the top of the flagpole for any real duration without some new senseless act of violence forcing me down pretty much immediately,” said the banner, which pointed to the Newtown massacre, the Aurora shooting, and the Tucson shooting as just a few of the national tragedies that have kept it in the middle of the flagstaff in recent months. “Every now and then I’ll get the chance to go all the way up the pole, but then the post office guys come out later in the day with these grim looks on their faces and I just know something terrible has happened and it’s right back to the middle again. And honestly, I’d really much rather be at the top of the pole, if it were up to me.” Though the flag noted that it would likely continue being flown at half-staff for at least the remainder of the week, it expressed optimism it might get the chance to be displayed at full-summit for possibly a day or two “before the next one.”

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