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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Flat, Unending Landscape Still Makes Veteran Cross-Country Skier Nervous Before Race

VANCOUVER—Though he has competed in hundreds of sanctioned events and two prior Winter Olympics, veteran cross-country skier Kris Freeman admitted to reporters Friday that the foreboding sight of an unfathomably flat and endless landscape still causes him apprehension before each race. "I've done this thousand of times before, but when I'm in that starting gate, and I see the featureless snow-covered tableau of the course ahead of me, it just scares me to death," Freeman said. "I'll be shaking from the monotony, but once that first rush of boredom kicks in the fear just disappears." Freeman added that he was equally terrified every time he crossed the finish line, claiming that he's never been comfortable with the lack of lights, television cameras, family, and fans who never shout his name or ask for autographs.

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