‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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‘Flatbread Means Pizza,’ Man Explains To Visiting Father

BROOKLYN, NY—Assuring him that the food wasn’t any different than what he was used to, 26-year-old Brendan Aaker reportedly explained that “flatbread means pizza” to his visiting father while dining at a neighborhood restaurant on Thursday. “The crust is a little thinner than regular pizza, but it’s the same thing,” said Aaker, who, noticing his father’s bewilderment, added that “margherita” was pretty much cheese pizza with a few basil leaves on it, which he could take off if he wanted. “Just get the ‘jamon’—it’s ham. You’ll like it.” At press time, Aaker was alerting his father to what the doors labeled “WC” meant before he went looking for the men’s room.

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