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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Flea Market Vendor Could Possibly Let Unidentifiable Lump Go For $15

BOISE, ID—Though he claims it to be worth at least twice as much, flea market vendor Roger Jenkins is willing to let an unidentifiable, vaguely spherical lump of something go for $15, sources reported Tuesday. "Because I'm in a good mood today, and because I like your face, I'll let this baby go for only $20," said Jenkins, referring to the ambiguous object, which lacked even the most basic of defining traits, and appeared to serve no discernible purpose, decorative or otherwise. "All right then—$15, but I can't go any lower than that. After all, you don't see very many of these around anymore." Jenkins added that if you take the impossible to determine item off his hands, he'd throw in a second one for your car.

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