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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.
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Flea Market Vendor Could Possibly Let Unidentifiable Lump Go For $15

BOISE, ID—Though he claims it to be worth at least twice as much, flea market vendor Roger Jenkins is willing to let an unidentifiable, vaguely spherical lump of something go for $15, sources reported Tuesday. "Because I'm in a good mood today, and because I like your face, I'll let this baby go for only $20," said Jenkins, referring to the ambiguous object, which lacked even the most basic of defining traits, and appeared to serve no discernible purpose, decorative or otherwise. "All right then—$15, but I can't go any lower than that. After all, you don't see very many of these around anymore." Jenkins added that if you take the impossible to determine item off his hands, he'd throw in a second one for your car.

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