adBlockCheck

Fleet Of Ambulances On Hand For 41-Year-Olds' Touch Football Game

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.

Only News Source Man Trusts Has Logo Of Eyeball In Crosshairs

FULLERTON, CA—Noting that he relies upon the website every day to keep himself apprised of important national and global events, sources confirmed Thursday that the only news outlet local man Andrew Howland trusts uses an image of an eyeball in crosshairs as its logo.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Fleet Of Ambulances On Hand For 41-Year-Olds' Touch Football Game

EMT crews will be ready to administer aid to the 41-year-old men at a moment’s notice.
EMT crews will be ready to administer aid to the 41-year-old men at a moment’s notice.

GOLDSBORO, NC—Anticipating the very likely need for rapid medical evacuation, a fleet of ambulances from several regional hospitals took up positions Saturday at the edge of Fairview Park, where a group of 41-year-old former college friends had gathered for a casual game of touch football.

EMT crews wasted no time readying an extensive supply of ice packs, neoprene wraps, and transport gurneys while the men, most of whom had played often in their teens and early 20s and not a single time since, split into teams and agreed on the location of the end zones.

"As soon as dispatch informed us that 15 middle-aged guys were talking about 'tossing the old pigskin around,' everyone on duty stopped what they were doing and got here as fast as possible," said ambulance driver Reed Macallen, opening a fresh package of Ace bandages and making sure his defibrillator's batteries were charged. "Given the widely varying levels of physical fitness and lack of any protective gear whatsoever, it's only a matter of time before emergency medical services are required."

"Someone's pulling a groin on the first play," he continued. "That's pretty much a guarantee."

As the graying men performed no more than thirty seconds of light stretching, paramedics went over response plans for various scenarios, from a player slipping a disc while bending over into a three-point stance, to somebody tearing a hamstring after deciding to actually punt the ball instead of just throwing it to the receiving team.

Separate provisions were made to handle any player who blows out a kneecap while trying to run a route seen on television, dislocates a shoulder in an attempt to block a player charging at full-speed, or—following a mid-game loosening of the two-hand-touch rule to "spice things up" with leg tackles—shatters a femur.

"The bottom line is these guys will be running and in some cases jumping, and that's going to cause problems," said local EMT Kathy Leland, prepping a morphine drip she explained would be administered to the first player to scream in agony from a fractured neck vertebra or Achilles tendon rupture. "As soon as a rusher gets past a center, or there's a fumble, or there's a friendly pile-on, or someone tries to showboat and trot in for a touchdown backwards, we'll be out there with the stretcher."

"It's a safe bet most of these guys have forgotten they haven't really exerted themselves since the early '90s," she added.

Paramedics confirmed that all local trauma centers had been notified of the game and that every licensed physician in Wayne County would remain on call until it ended. While they hoped it would be unnecessary, officials said a medevac helicopter could deploy at a moment's notice in the event a player had to be airlifted to a hospital in Raleigh with a more comprehensive cardiac unit.

"As if the situation weren't risky enough, they'll almost definitely be trying to impress their wives and children, who, unfortunately, are cheering them on from the sidelines," Leland said. "Not to mention the fact that a college-aged nephew of one of the men has been recruited to play, and several guys have said they want to 'show the kid how it's done.'"

Moments before kickoff, ambulance crews could be heard starting their engines after the well-built 22-year-old was heard from across the field jokingly calling one of the players "old man."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close