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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Flight Attendant Quietly Informs First Class Passengers Where Real Emergency Exits Are

MIAMI—While passengers in the economy cabin watched the standard preflight safety video Monday, United Airlines flight attendant Kim Walters quietly informed first-class ticket holders aboard Flight 1173 of the location of the plane’s actual emergency exits, sources confirmed. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you’ll please give me your attention for a brief and important announcement about the first-class-only safety features of our Boeing 757 aircraft,” Walters reportedly said in a voice just above a whisper, explaining that in an emergency, the airline’s most valued customers should ignore the escape path lighting along the aisle and instead follow the green lighting on the first-class seatbacks to a secret hatch just behind the forward lavatory. “For your convenience, in the event of an emergency, a bulkhead will automatically close and seal off the first-class cabin from the economy cabin, giving you ample legroom while deplaning. In addition, should we experience a sudden loss of cabin pressure, ignore the oxygen masks that drop from above and instead use the real ones located underneath your seat, right next to your emergency parachute.” According to reports, Walters then showed each passenger how to use their personal flotation raft, which she said comes with two weeks of gourmet rations, over 120 movies and TV shows, and is “[theirs] to keep” in the event of a water landing.

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