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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Flip Saunders' Riveting Speech After All-Star Game Fails To Keep Team Together

LAS VEGAS—Despite an impassioned 20-minute post-game speech by Eastern Conference coach Flip Saunders last Sunday about commitment to team ideals, playing with passion, and the need to get back to fundamentals, his All-Star team has decided to go its separate ways following the 153-132 blowout. "Guys, come on, we can't just give up," Saunders said while players packed up their bags and got ready for their separate flights back to their home cities. "There is more talent in this room than that scoreboard suggests. We can only improve with time, and I really think that if we learn to play together rather than as a group of individuals, there's every chance we could make a legitimate run at this thing." Eastern Conference All-Stars guard Dwayne Wade said he wouldn't rule out the chance of seeing his former teammates at some point in the future, but somehow doesn't think he will ever play with Caron Butler or Dwight Howard ever again.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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