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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Flip Saunders' Riveting Speech After All-Star Game Fails To Keep Team Together

LAS VEGAS—Despite an impassioned 20-minute post-game speech by Eastern Conference coach Flip Saunders last Sunday about commitment to team ideals, playing with passion, and the need to get back to fundamentals, his All-Star team has decided to go its separate ways following the 153-132 blowout. "Guys, come on, we can't just give up," Saunders said while players packed up their bags and got ready for their separate flights back to their home cities. "There is more talent in this room than that scoreboard suggests. We can only improve with time, and I really think that if we learn to play together rather than as a group of individuals, there's every chance we could make a legitimate run at this thing." Eastern Conference All-Stars guard Dwayne Wade said he wouldn't rule out the chance of seeing his former teammates at some point in the future, but somehow doesn't think he will ever play with Caron Butler or Dwight Howard ever again.

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