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Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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Flip Saunders' Riveting Speech After All-Star Game Fails To Keep Team Together

LAS VEGAS—Despite an impassioned 20-minute post-game speech by Eastern Conference coach Flip Saunders last Sunday about commitment to team ideals, playing with passion, and the need to get back to fundamentals, his All-Star team has decided to go its separate ways following the 153-132 blowout. "Guys, come on, we can't just give up," Saunders said while players packed up their bags and got ready for their separate flights back to their home cities. "There is more talent in this room than that scoreboard suggests. We can only improve with time, and I really think that if we learn to play together rather than as a group of individuals, there's every chance we could make a legitimate run at this thing." Eastern Conference All-Stars guard Dwayne Wade said he wouldn't rule out the chance of seeing his former teammates at some point in the future, but somehow doesn't think he will ever play with Caron Butler or Dwight Howard ever again.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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