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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Floral Arrangement At Funeral Talked About More Than Deceased

CHICAGO—Although Ernest Quarles was a reasonably beloved member of his family, the floral arrangements at his Sunday funeral service dominated conversation during the post-funeral luncheon at the home of Quarles' niece, Carol Sands. "I had a nice talk with the pastor about how Ernie looked so natural amid all those pretty mums, tulips, and baby's breath," Sands said. "They were very nice. Not too showy, but still really quite pretty." Family members agreed that it was a tragedy that Ernest went the way he did, and that the Hawaiian daisies were probably just thrown out after the ceremony.

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