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Florida Resort Allows Guests To Swim With Miami Dolphins

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The Onion invites you to explore our view from the floor of the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland.

Good Guy With Gun, Bad Guy With Gun Both Excited To Unload Firearm In Crowd Outside Arena

CLEVELAND—As each of them looked around at the people gathered outside Quicken Loans Arena and fantasized about unholstering their weapon and taking aim directly at others, both a good guy with a gun and a bad guy with a gun attending the Republican National Convention reportedly worked themselves into a heightened state of excitement Thursday at the thought of unloading their firearm into the crowd.

Bob Dole Picked Off By Large Hawk Circling Arena Parking Lot

CLEVELAND—Describing how the bird of prey suddenly dived down from the sky at high velocity, sources confirmed Thursday that former GOP presidential nominee Bob Dole was picked off by a large red-tailed hawk circling above the Quicken Loans Arena parking lot.
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Florida Resort Allows Guests To Swim With Miami Dolphins

MIAMI—Describing it as a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to get up close to the majestic mammals, visitors to Paradise Cove Resort raved to reporters Thursday about the hotel’s new program that allows guests to swim with the Miami Dolphins. “I couldn’t believe how friendly they were—as soon as they saw us, this great big one just came right up to our daughter,” said resort guest Emily Hendrickson, calling the hour she and her family spent splashing and playing alongside the Dolphins’ defensive line the “highlight of [their] trip.” “I couldn’t believe how smooth Ryan Tannehill was. And then there was this smaller one that really took a liking to me—he must have been a kicker. It was an amazing experience.” Hendrickson later admitted that her family was disappointed they didn’t get a chance to swim with center Mike Pouncey, who was in a solitary tank at the time of their visit for biting a child.

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