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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Floyd Mayweather, Jr. And Manny Pacquiao Urged To Put Aside Differences And Fight

LAS VEGAS—Despite pleas from their managers, handlers, and fans, Floyd Mayweather, Jr. and Manny Pacquiao are too consumed with anger toward each other to engage in fighting, sources close to the two boxers confirmed Thursday. "We've done all we can, but the animosity between these two men is too bitter to allow them to trade punches," said Mayweather adviser Leonard Ellerbe, who has repeatedly entreated Pacquiao to "set aside whatever personal animosity he bears Mayweather and do his level best to knock him out," but to little avail. "Unfortunately, their reciprocated feelings of hatred seem to be too great, and to run too deep, to ever subside into physical violence." Both Pacquiao and Mayweather are said to be considering offers to batter much closer friends of theirs into unconsciousness.

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