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Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.
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Floyd Mayweather Nervous That Training For De La Hoya Fight Has Not Involved Throwing Single Punch

LAS VEGAS—WBC welterweight champion Floyd "Pretty Boy" Mayweather expressed concern Tuesday over the training methods employed by his corner man and uncle Roger Mayweather, as he has not yet thrown a single punch while training for his upcoming "superfight" against multi-division world champion Oscar De La Hoya. "Uncle Roger's been putting me through plenty of, you know, running and jump-rope and footwork stuff, plus some medicine-ball drills and some lifting, but I haven't even had gloves on for weeks," Mayweather told a Ring magazine reporter writing an article on his stationary-bicycle technique. "I mean, he's telling me I'm doing great, he says it's not like I forgot how to hit or anything, but come on—shouldn't I at least do some work on a speed bag or throw some combinations at a sparring partner before going into the biggest fight in boxing history instead of all this Pilates?" De La Hoya has also expressed frustration with his own training regimen, which has thus far consisted of eating egg salad sandwiches while watching daytime television.

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New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

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