Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.
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Flu Can’t Wait To Get The Fuck Out Of Area Man’s Body

OLATHE, KS—Admitting that infecting the 32-year-old was a huge mistake, a sub-strain of the H3N2 Influenza A virus confirmed Thursday that it couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of area man Peter Abbot’s body. “I’ve only been in this shithole for a couple days, but I’m ready to cut and run from here as soon as fucking possible,” said the flu, adding that it would rather be anywhere else on the goddamn planet than the run-down mess that Abbot calls a body. “I thought it looked really bad from the outside, but holy shit, I had no idea how nasty it would be once I got in. As soon as I get the chance, you better fucking believe I’m outta this dump.” At press time, the flu reportedly expressed concerns it would never be able to leave after the man’s condition worsened.

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