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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Flu Can’t Wait To Get The Fuck Out Of Area Man’s Body

OLATHE, KS—Admitting that infecting the 32-year-old was a huge mistake, a sub-strain of the H3N2 Influenza A virus confirmed Thursday that it couldn’t wait to get the fuck out of area man Peter Abbot’s body. “I’ve only been in this shithole for a couple days, but I’m ready to cut and run from here as soon as fucking possible,” said the flu, adding that it would rather be anywhere else on the goddamn planet than the run-down mess that Abbot calls a body. “I thought it looked really bad from the outside, but holy shit, I had no idea how nasty it would be once I got in. As soon as I get the chance, you better fucking believe I’m outta this dump.” At press time, the flu reportedly expressed concerns it would never be able to leave after the man’s condition worsened.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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