adBlockCheck

Flustered Bush Misses Air Force One Flight

Top Headlines

Politics

How The GOP Plans To Stop Trump

In response to Donald Trump’s growing presidential primary lead, here’s how Republican Party leaders are ramping up efforts to prevent him from getting enough delegates to win the nomination outright.

It Unclear Why Thousands Of Loud, Chanting Trump Supporters Gathering Outside Arena In Iowa

‘There’s No Event Here, But They Keep Coming,’ Say Concerned Stadium Staff

DES MOINES, IA—Noting that the Republican presidential candidate had not announced any plans to visit Iowa since the state held its caucus 11 weeks ago, baffled sources reported Wednesday that it remains unclear why thousands of loud, cheering Donald Trump supporters are gathering outside the Wells Fargo Arena in Des Moines.

Obama Caught Trying To Jump White House Fence

WASHINGTON—The White House was briefly placed on lockdown Friday morning after “an addled and emotionally distraught” President Obama was reportedly caught trying to scale the North Lawn fence, the third such attempt this year, Secret Service officials confirmed.

FBI Convinces George Clooney To Wear Wire During Clinton Fundraising Dinner

SAN FRANCISCO—In an effort to gather evidence in their investigation of the presidential candidate’s alleged misuse of her private email server when she served as secretary of state, members of the FBI reportedly convinced actor George Clooney to wear a hidden listening device Friday night while attending a campaign fundraising dinner with Hillary Clinton.

The Pros And Cons Of Voter ID Laws

Many states are pushing for stricter voter identification policies at the polls, while critics argue such requirements are unconstitutional and used as a means of voter suppression. Here are some pros and cons of voter ID laws.

Shimmering Immaculate Republican Candidate Appears Before GOP Officials

‘It’s Him,’ Stunned Conservative Leaders Mutter

WASHINGTON—Explaining how they froze in place and stared up at the miraculous vision in rapt wonder, members of the Republican Party leadership reported that the shimmering image of an immaculate, ideal GOP presidential candidate appeared before them for a brief moment Friday and hovered in front of the party’s headquarters in Washington.

Trump Catches Self Briefly Believing Own Campaign Rhetoric

‘Whoa, That Was Scary For A Second There,’ Says Candidate

BETHPAGE, NY—Admitting that he was overcome with terror after realizing what he had done, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters he caught himself briefly believing his own campaign rhetoric during a rally Wednesday night.

Cow Ted Cruz Milking In Wisconsin Photo Op Only Giving Curdled, Foul Liquid

ALMA, WI—Saying the putrid stench of rancid dairy had caused numerous onlookers to gag and rush out of the barn, sources at Noll’s Family Farm confirmed Monday that only a thin stream of curdled, spoiled liquid was emerging from the cow that Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz was attempting to milk during a campaign photo op.

How A Contested Convention Would Work

With the Republican Party potentially headed to its convention without a clear-cut presidential nominee, The Onion answers common questions about how a contested convention would work.

Advisors Tell Trump, Cruz To Stick To Just Attacking All Women In General

JANESVILLE, WI—Attempting to reduce the negative publicity generated by their candidates’ recent attacks on each other’s wives, top campaign advisors reportedly instructed Republican presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz in private meetings Monday to stick to just attacking all women in general, sources confirmed.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Flustered Bush Misses Air Force One Flight

CAMP SPRINGS, MD—Despite sprinting through the Andrews Air Force Base south terminal, President Bush narrowly missed his Air Force One flight to Boise earlier today after arriving just moments after the plane's doors had closed.

The 12-person crew was not able to accommodate the president due to strict federal guidelines requiring all passengers to arrive at their departure gate 15 minutes prior to takeoff—guidelines flight officials say are especially important considering heightened security around the president. When Bush inquired into the possibility of being placed on standby for Air Force Two, the exasperated commander in chief was informed that the flight was full and Vice President Dick Cheney was unwilling to give up his seat.

The president was left "high and dry" at Andrews AFB today.

"I understand it's frustrating to miss a flight," said Air Force One Chief Boarding Coordinator Derek Morganson, who attended a special meeting with the president to discuss the government-funded airline's exchange policy. "But Mr. Bush has to understand that we are entrusted by the White House with a very important job, and we can't make exceptions for one person just because it suits his schedule. No airline would operate like that."

Morganson was able to offer the president a standby seat on an affiliate airline's 3 p.m. flight to Reno, though Bush said he failed to see "how that helps [him] in the slightest."

After concluding a "pointless talk" with desk personnel at Gate 14, Bush took questions in the air-base food court, where he denounced the airline's actions.

"This is so typical," said Bush while eating a $9 chicken-Caesar-salad wrap. "Of course, they had all the time in the world to check my bags and they told me I'd be all set, but all of a sudden, I'm not allowed on the plane. Now my biggest suitcase is halfway to who-knows-where and I'm stuck in this stupid airport. Don't these people ever communicate with each other?" said Bush, who refused an offer to put him up at a nearby Radisson Hotel for the evening.

"Plus, I just remembered that my charger is in that suitcase, and I'm down to one bar on my cell phone," Bush continued. "How the hell am I supposed to call Laura?"

Bush told reporters his heart sank when he saw the departure–arrival monitor and realized that he had missed the last boarding call: "For Christ's sake," the president said. "This is a nightmare."

<b>"I remember when Air Force One used to care about customer service. Now it's all about their bottom line."</b> <p>President George W. Bush</p>

Although he did not offer a specific cause for his delayed arrival at the airport, the president mentioned rush hour and "losing the goddamn keys again" as factors. Bush admitted he may have misjudged the amount of time needed to pass through security, especially with thousands of military personnel heading out on international flights. But he maintained he had arrived at the gate while the plane was still on the tarmac, and said it would have taken the crew "all of two seconds" to let him board the Boeing 747-200B aircraft.

Bush, who describes himself as a "perpetual traveler" who had exclusively used Air Force One for both work and his frequent vacations, said he will begin looking into other carriers.

"They just lost their best customer," said Bush after purchasing a Robin Cook novel and settling in at Runway Café. "I remember when Air Force One used to care about customer service. Now it's all about their bottom line."

Air Force One representatives expressed regret for any inconvenience experienced by President Bush and assured him that the many useful comment cards he filled out will be seriously considered, even though "Air Force One Presidential Air Transport wasn't the one who missed his flight."

Bush, who is scheduled to attend tomorrow's Governor's Association Luncheon in Boise, said the airline's treatment of him was "inexcusable and ridiculous."

A ticket agent did eventually arrange an itinerary to get the president to Boise, first putting him on a shuttle flight aboard Marine One to Pittsburgh, where he will transfer to the cargo hold of a C-130 air transport delivering three Apache helicopters to Edwards Air Force Base in California, before riding with a military-supply-truck convoy to an undisclosed location in the Nevada desert, where he will then accompany test pilots from Fallon Naval Air Station to the Idaho border and pick up a rental car paid for by Air Force One.

"Not only did I miss my flight, but now I'm going to miss my connecting motorcade to the Idaho Capitol building," said Bush. "Yeah, I'll make the meeting, but I'll never get there in time for my keynote address or the seafood brunch."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close