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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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Fly On, Majestic Falcon

Like the Federally Protected Bird That You Are

You bold and noble bird, symbol of grace and independence, soar high above the forests of our great state. Glide out to the prairies and over the noble cities which make this land rich with diverse habitats and landscapes. Who would dare harm a single feather on your endangered and federally protected coat (Federal Statute 64.3 (m), subsection (2), paragraph 3, to be exact). Your quivering pinfeathers and sharp, hooked beak glint in the evening sun as you begin the long hunt for elusive prey, and we are left breathless with awe at your flight.

You are the symbol which makes us proud of these sturdy, coveted old growth forests, and we treasure your presence as you are what makes this a protected habitat and therefore useless for profitable yet environmentally beneficial lumber harvesting. Who would deny your place on the endangered species list to which you were so recently added? We love to see your wide, safe nest perched high in the branches of a 20-foot cedar tree valued at $36.25 a plank.

But do not stop here in the ancient, untouched forests of Washington State. Share your beauty. Fly on to Idaho, North Dakota, Wisconsin and New York, where poaching laws are perhaps a bit more lenient and park rangers a bit more likely to turn the other cheek, if you know what I mean.

Do not confine yourself to the borders of this government land which could be managed very well and to the advantage of the Johnston Lumber Company. Discover convenient nesting sites in Chicago, Detroit, Cleveland, Philadelphia, New York, Boston, Atlanta, Miami or anyplace but the Pacific Northwest. Prey on the pigeon and the rat, for their population growth is the true threat to your existence. Prove that you are not the delicate little creature which needs 600 acres of prime forest to feed two minute little chicks which can’t eat more than a single worm a day, according to the most recent zoological study done by industry experts with no motivation other than the truth. (Johnston Lumber was cleared of any and all wrongdoing in the case involving the study pay-offs and any statement to the contrary will result in swift legal action.)

Indeed, the insects and rats you desire are plentiful all over this great nation, you noble and troublesome bird. Such a mighty beast as yourself surely does not need protection from a group of disillusioned environmentalists who chain themselves to bulldozers thinking they can re-capture the ’60s. Some of us studied during the ’60s, worked our way up the ladder of corporate America, ate beef and made something of ourselves while our loser brothers dropped out of college, burned their draft cards and ran to Canada until amnesty brough them back to the States.

Our forest, our logging contract, is a noble venture. So fly, fly on and fly away, majestic falcon. Bolder pastures so clearly await you in non-Johnston Lumber Company-owned territory. God speed to you.

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New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

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