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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Flyers Defeat Devils In What Everyone Involved Believes To Be Preseason Game

NEWARK, NJ—In a game that everyone in the stands and on the ice believed to be a tune-up before the NHL's regular season begins, Philadelphia Flyers goalie Ray Emery led his team to a 5-2 victory over the New Jersey Devils Saturday night. "We made a few mistakes out there, but we'll get those ironed out by the time these games count," said Flyers center Mike Richards, whose second goal of the 2009-2010 regular season lifted the Flyers to a 2-0-0 record. "You can't get too worked up about an exhibition game. Most of the fans left in the middle of the second period anyway." During a postgame press conference, Devils coach Jacques Lemaire told reporters that he wasn't worried about the loss, saying that during the regular season he would never pull his goalie for the entire third period just to get some practice playing with an extra attacker.

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