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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.
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Focus Groups Hated It Right Up Until Guy's Head Got Cut Off

LOS ANGELES—A focus group of 150 people who saw this one movie, Fox Searchlight's modern adaptation of some Charles Dickens classic, were unresponsive right up until the violent and sudden decapitation of the lead character, which was widely heralded as "awesome."

"For the first hour and 50 minutes, comments were along the lines of 'boring,' 'too talky,' and 'booooring,'" assistant producer Marla Cannon said Monday.

"But the final scene, in which the guy gives himself up to rebels who behead him on his twin brother's TV station, was described as 'totally sick' and 'kick-ass,' often in all capital letters or with multiple exclamation points."

Producers said they were currently reworking the film to include a bunch more beheadings.

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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

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