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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Focus: Who Is Paul Ryan?

Rep. Paul Ryan was announced Saturday as Republican candidate Mitt Romney’s vice presidential running mate. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the 42-year-old Wisconsin politician:

Birth Place: Congressional hatchery with 15,000 other squirming political pupae

Favorite 2012 Presidential Candidate: Libertarian Gary Johnson

Vice Presidential Vetting Process: Was asked if he was gay about 47 different ways

Foreign Policy Experience: Romney-level of low

Wants to See: An America without poor and sick people, but probably not in the way you'd like

Favorite Olympics: 2002 Winter Games In Salt Lake City

Weapon: Throwing knives

Number of Words Spoken to Mitt Romney: 16

Aspirations: Hopes to one day cut his own job

Willing to Do What's Needed to Take Back the White House and Make America Great Again: Yes

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