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Focus: Who Is Paul Ryan?

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Nauseatingly Precious NYC Couples To Walk Around In Rain

The Onion Weather Center looks at New York City where heavy rain causes obnoxious loving couples to come out and walk around the city like a bunch of assholes who have never seen rain before, and an impending blackout gives the city's working class its...

Lone Superdelegate Voting For Martin O’Malley Feels Like Total Fucking Idiot

PHILADELPHIA—Sheepishly raising his hand to nominate the man who suspended his presidential campaign back in February, unpledged delegate Bob Shiefke told reporters Tuesday he felt like a “total fucking idiot” for being the only person at the Democratic National Convention voting for former Maryland governor Martin O’Malley.

Michelle Obama: ‘Well, There Are 8 Years Of My Life I’ll Never Get Back’

PHILADELPHIA—Her face fixed in an expression of apathetic detachment as she took the stage Monday night to raucous cheers and applause, First Lady Michelle Obama reportedly began her address to the Democratic National Convention by exhaling audibly and remarking that she would never get the past eight years of her life back.

Revelations From The DNC Email Leak

Last week, WikiLeaks posted 20,000 email exchanges among DNC officials, the content of which led to DNC chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz’s resignation on the eve of the convention. Here are some of the key revelations from the leak

CNN Producer On Hunt For Saddest-Looking Fuck With Convention Button Collection

PHILADELPHIA—Weaving his way through the crowd of patriotically dressed attendees excitedly milling around on the floor of the Democratic National Convention, CNN segment producer Jeff Raskin reportedly went on the hunt Monday for the most pitiful-looking fuck willing to speak on camera about their political button collection.
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Focus: Who Is Paul Ryan?

Rep. Paul Ryan was announced Saturday as Republican candidate Mitt Romney’s vice presidential running mate. The Onion breaks down what you need to know about the 42-year-old Wisconsin politician:

Birth Place: Congressional hatchery with 15,000 other squirming political pupae

Favorite 2012 Presidential Candidate: Libertarian Gary Johnson

Vice Presidential Vetting Process: Was asked if he was gay about 47 different ways

Foreign Policy Experience: Romney-level of low

Wants to See: An America without poor and sick people, but probably not in the way you'd like

Favorite Olympics: 2002 Winter Games In Salt Lake City

Weapon: Throwing knives

Number of Words Spoken to Mitt Romney: 16

Aspirations: Hopes to one day cut his own job

Willing to Do What's Needed to Take Back the White House and Make America Great Again: Yes

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