‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Fog Machine Heightens Drama At Children's Piano Recital

SOMERVILLE, MA—A fog machine heightened the drama at a children's piano recital Sunday, injecting considerable tension into an otherwise routine affair. "Right in the middle of Timmy's performance of 'Swanee River,' the smoke machine went off," said the boy's mother, Gloria Reid. "Everyone started to 'ooh' and 'aah.' I was so proud." For the next recital, organizers plan to install a giant, lava-spewing volcano.

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