adBlockCheck

Local

Nation's Hardass Cops Finally Find Time To Play Games

In a sudden departure from their long-held stance of not being here to play games and not, in fact, having the time to play games, the nation’s hardass cops announced Wednesday they had finally carved out a couple hours during which games could be p...

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.
End Of Section
  • More News

Fog Machine Heightens Drama At Children's Piano Recital

SOMERVILLE, MA—A fog machine heightened the drama at a children's piano recital Sunday, injecting considerable tension into an otherwise routine affair. "Right in the middle of Timmy's performance of 'Swanee River,' the smoke machine went off," said the boy's mother, Gloria Reid. "Everyone started to 'ooh' and 'aah.' I was so proud." For the next recital, organizers plan to install a giant, lava-spewing volcano.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close