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Man Knows Exactly Which Asshole Got Him Sick

SARATOGA SPRINGS, NY—Immediately realizing the genesis of the fever and sore throat that left him feeling like shit, 30-year-old local man Edward Mosley told reporters Tuesday that he knows exactly which asshole got him sick.

Veteran Told What Offends Him

WASHINGTON—In the wake of protests in which some players knelt during the national anthem prior to this week’s NFL games, a U.S. Army veteran has been informed that the acts offended him.

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.
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Foie Gras, Scallops Snuck Into Opera House

PARIS—Citing "outrageous" snack prices at the legendary Palais Garnier opera house, local resident Philippe Michaud discreetly smuggled a terrine of foie gras and half a pound of sautéed scallops into Monday evening's production of Strauss's Der Rosenkavalier. "That's how operas make all their money, by jacking up concessions prices," Michaud said. "Why should I shell out €175 for hors d'oeuvres at the concessions booth when I can just sneak some in underneath my cummerbund?" Sources said that Michaud also brought along a concealed bottle of 1986 Krug Clos du Mesnil, which he surreptitiously uncorked during the loudest point of Princess von Werdenberg's aria at the end of Act I.

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