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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Foie Gras, Scallops Snuck Into Opera House

PARIS—Citing "outrageous" snack prices at the legendary Palais Garnier opera house, local resident Philippe Michaud discreetly smuggled a terrine of foie gras and half a pound of sautéed scallops into Monday evening's production of Strauss's Der Rosenkavalier. "That's how operas make all their money, by jacking up concessions prices," Michaud said. "Why should I shell out €175 for hors d'oeuvres at the concessions booth when I can just sneak some in underneath my cummerbund?" Sources said that Michaud also brought along a concealed bottle of 1986 Krug Clos du Mesnil, which he surreptitiously uncorked during the loudest point of Princess von Werdenberg's aria at the end of Act I.

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