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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Folk Art Museum Acquires Rare Visitor

NEW YORK—Representatives from the American Folk Art Museum held a press conference Wednesday, announcing that the "Legacy in Throw Rugs" exhibit had acquired a rare visitor, Ms. Marnie Schneider, who was discovered near the janitor's closet in the hubcap paintings wing. "Ms. Schneider is a real find, definitely a one of a kind," said head curator Natalie Kiernan, who estimated the historically significant attendee's value was priceless. "You could go years without seeing one of these." Kiernan admitted that, while the visitor had clearly seen some wear and tear, she appeared to be in surprisingly good shape for her age.

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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

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