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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Following 300th Victory, Randy Johnson Returns Healthy Back To Local Man

SAN FRANCISCO—After recording his 300th career victory on June 4, Giants pitcher Randy Johnson returned the back he had borrowed for use in the game to its rightful owner, Mountain View, CA resident Craig Rowin. "I'm just happy he kept his word and returned it," said Rowin, who complained that after trading backs with Johnson he was unable to physically lift himself from his living room couch for an entire week. "Every time I sneezed, it felt like broken glass moving around in there, and sounded like an industrial-sized sheet of bubble wrap being popped. My own back isn't even that great to begin with, but still, I'm glad it could play a small part in baseball history." After reading an ad on Craiglist, Rowin has also offered to lend his rotator cuff to user pedro-mart193847765@craigslist.org.

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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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