Food-Court Taco Bell Not As Good, Area Man Reports

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Vol 41 Issue 26

Fellow Cheerleaders Rally Cheer Of Support For Recently Raped Teammate

BLOOMINGTON, IN—The Bloomington East Hawks varsity cheerleaders organized a pep rally after school Monday, in honor of a squad member who was date-raped last weekend. "R-A... P-E-D, nothing's gonna stop Su-zie. Yay, Suzie!" the squad cheered before the 1,500 students who filled the gymnasium to celebrate the victim's return to school. Rapist Fritz Hent, an East Hawks linebacker, will sit out the first game of the season as punishment.

Block Of Commercials Charts The Who's Career Arc

NEW YORK—According to TV viewer Maurice Degroot, every phase of rock band The Who's career was traced by a single CBS commercial break Tuesday. "The retrospective opened with Hummer's 'Happy Jack,' one of the songs from The Who's '60s mod period,"Degroot said. "Then a Saab commercial played 'I'm Free' from their ambitious rock-opera phase, followed by a promo for CSI featuring 'Who Are You,' one of their last great hits." In light of the popular commercials, the surviving Who members are planning a reunion tour to perform 30-second snippets from all their famous songs.

Fifth Baby Barely Showered

ALCOVA, WY—Attendees at the weekend shower for Peggy Walgraeve's fifth child agreed that the event paled when compared to the showers thrown for Walgraeve's four other children. "For [first child] Ashley, they had bacon wraps and mini quiches and wine coolers, but this time it was beer and Fritos, and everyone was out the door by 2 o'clock," said Lilly Gussman, one of three guests. Walgraeve's husband Dan watched TV in the living room throughout the celebration, though he was reportedly seen glancing at the partygoers on occasion.

New Us Quarterly To Explore Celebrity Issues In More Depth

NEW YORK—Describing it as a "discerning and literary companion" to their flagship entertainment-news magazine, Us Weekly editor-in-chief Janice Min announced on Tuesday the creation of Us Quarterly, a scholarly, four-times-yearly journal dedicated to sizzling-hot celebrity gossip.

Man Cites Nature As Inspiration For Random Cruelty

GAINESVILLE, FL—Local resident Stephen Nicolai, 34, said Monday that the harsh realities of the natural world are what inspire him to commit spontaneous acts of brutal sadism. "Nature, red in tooth and claw, destroys without prejudice or regard for feelings, and since I am at one with nature, so too shall I," said Nicolai as he flattened a tree frog with a ball-peen hammer. "When I witness the awesome force of a tsunami, or the shift of a tectonic plate, or even a kitten mercilessly taunting its prey before eating it, I know that I am in harmony with nature." Nicolai said he has found peace through his ritual animal torture and vicious braining of random passersby.

I'm In The Throes Of Summer Movie Madness!

Item! Summer movie season is here, so forward my mail to my local theater, because I'm going to be losing myself in air-conditioned Hollywood magic for the next three months—especially since there's nothing on TV but reruns and second-string reality series. So, grab some popcorn, pull down a center seat, and dim the lights, because my annual guide to the hottest summer movie tickets is here!
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Food-Court Taco Bell Not As Good, Area Man Reports

ERIE, PA—Fast-food consumer Don Turnbee announced Monday that the Taco Bell in the Millcreek Mall food court is "not as good" as regular, full-service Taco Bell restaurants.

Veteran fast-food patron Don Turnbee.

Turnbee, a frequent patron of the full-service Taco Bell on Buffalo Road, encountered the scaled-down version of the Mexican-style franchise Sunday afternoon while waiting for his wife Shelly to complete her shopping.

"It was so-so," Turnbee told reporters outside the mall. "It's not as nice as the one I usually go to. This one had tacos and burritos, but no Double Decker Tacos."

Unlike a regular Taco Bell, the Millcreek Taco Bell Express has a reduced menu that does not offer many of the choices or add-on options to which Turnbee is accustomed, including the carne asada steak upgrade.

"I tried to add steak to something, and the girl got mad," Turnbee said. "I guess maybe she was tired of people ordering stuff they didn't have."

Turnbee finally settled on a Combo Burrito and a large Pepsi, but said he found the burrito's taste to be "kind of off."

"[The Combo Burrito] wasn't as good as normal," Turnbee said. "I don't know. The beef was crumbly, I guess."

"It seemed dry," he added.

Although the regular and express Taco Bells share an ingredients supplier, the dryness of Turnbee's burrito might have resulted from Taco Bell Express policy, which requires that five Combo Burritos be ready under the food lamps at lunchtime.

Turnbee's dissatisfaction also extended to the layout of the food court. Accustomed to the Buffalo Road restaurant's bright dining area with vaulted ceiling, sturdy booths, and a fully stocked napkin, condiment, and straw counter, Turnbee was dismayed by the food court's long lines and ill-defined, drafty space. Forced to walk far from the Taco Bell kiosk to the other side of the packed food court, he said he was displeased by the narrow width of his table and found his chair to be rickety and unstable. Huge potted palm trees placed throughout the food court blocked Turnbee's vision and gave him a vaguely claustrophobic feeling.

"I like a booth," Turnbee said.

Turnbee also found fault with the food court's shared condiments counter, which lacked forks and hot sauce.

"I went without," Turnbee said. "It seemed like too big a production to go all the way back to the Taco Bell and ask for hot sauce."

Turnbee was disturbed by the clash of food odors in the dining area. Seated next to a shopper who had ordered from Wok 'n' Roll, a Chinese-food vendor, Turnbee found that the odor of broccoli interfered with the taste of his burrito.

"I don't like broccoli, and I didn't like having to smell it while I was trying to eat," Turnbee said. "They should divide the dining area into different sections so people who order from different stalls don't eat together."

Turnbee's 20-minute ordeal ended when his wife Shelly discovered him behind a large potted palm.

"Shelly was mad that I ate when I knew she was defrosting steaks for dinner," Turnbee said. "I didn't argue."

Turnbee discarded the remainder of his burrito and soda, something the veteran fast-food patron "doesn't normally do," according to wife Shelly.

"Don doesn't normally like to come with me to the mall, either, but he likes this type of sock they sell at Sears," Shelly said.

Turnbee said that, while he has no plans to eat at the mall Taco Bell in the near future, a return visit is not out of the question.

"I guess I'd probably eat there again, if push came to shove and there was no other Taco Bell around," Turnbee said.

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