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Oh Great, Another Woman Who Only Loves Me For My Complete Collection Of ‘Rurouni Kenshin’ Manga

Well isn’t that great—just great. Here I am, thinking I’ve finally met someone who’s perfect for me—she’s caring, smart, beautiful, and most of all, it seemed like she really got me. But I should have known better. Turns out she’s just like the rest of them, just another in a long line of women who only love me for my complete collection of the classic wandering samurai manga Rurouni Kenshin.

Disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings Not Living Up To Ridicule

LOS ANGELES—Describing the experience as a significant letdown, local diner Eric Tidwell told reporters that the disappointing Buffalo Wild Wings franchise he visited Thursday night failed to live up to the scorn he had long heard about the restaurant.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

RYE, NY—Workers inventorying the estate of a recently deceased Westchester County art dealer earlier this month reportedly stumbled upon a draft of a previously unknown Jack London novel titled The Doggy, and the work is already being hailed by many within the literary world as a masterpiece.

‘Our Town’ Cast Party Going Off The Rails

PEEKSKILL, NY—Describing a wild scene in which performers and stagehands were loudly conversing, laughing, and occasionally breaking back into their characters from the play, sources confirmed Sunday night that the cast party for the local production of Our Town is currently going off the rails.

Thieves Make Off With Museum’s Most Valuable Docents

CHICAGO—In what is being described as a sophisticated and well-executed heist, thieves stole nine of the Art Institute of Chicago’s most valuable docents in broad daylight this morning, according to museum and law enforcement officials.
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Food Critic Tears Radish Canapés With Salmon Mousse A New Asshole

MANCHESTER, NH—An appetizer of radish canapés with salmon mousse served at local French restaurant La Maison de Vin was torn a new asshole this week, according to Concord Monitor food critic Bernard Haberle, who reviewed the establishment in his "Good Eating" column.

"I ripped those canapés a hole so wide they'll be shitting blood for days," said Haberle, who singled out the dish in his review, calling it "a misguided fusion of land and sea."

"The mousse alone got a reaming that will have it crying for its mama," he added.

The hors d'oeuvres, presented on a bed of arugula topped with a salmon mousse of blended shallots, green onions, and white wine, were "force-fed their own balls" by Haberle, who in his column described the menu item as "a modest offering that should have aspired for more."

"I beat the living fuck out of that dish," said Haberle, whose column has over the last 15 years become a staple in the Concord Monitor "Lifestyles And Culture" section.

"If that appetizer knows what's good for it, it'll get on its knees and pray for mercy from sweet baby Jesus, because I went John Wayne Gacy on that shit," Haberle said. "Those canapés are probably wishing they had a dollop of crème fraîche to hide behind."

Haberle said that he takes a broad array of factors into account—including quality and freshness of ingredients, attention to detail, and price—before deciding whether or not a particular course deserves to be "bent backwards over a toilet and skull-fucked."

The dish that got "ripped a new one" by Haberle (above).

"Did you read the part where I say the canapés' 'pedestrian plating falls somewhere between gauche and maladroit'? Take that, sub-par appetizer."

Haberle hastened to add that, although he is a discriminating critic, he more often than not gives positive reviews.

"I have no problem with slobbing the knob of a Gorgonzola-stuffed prawn if I feel it's earned. Just last week, I had a roasted striped bass in an almond-chanterelle crust with caramelized cipollini onions that was so divine I'd piss-gargle its sweaty balls in an abortion-clinic dumpster if that's what it was into."

When asked if he will return to La Maison de Vin to give the canapés a "second go-round," Haberle responded, "I kick-fucked that bitch, and I think it's best I leave it to rot in the ditch where I left it."

Members of the community have defended Haberle's review, saying his column has proven indispensable when selecting restaurants.

"Sure, he's being a little hard on the dish," said Sue Wellington, 42, who regularly dines out with her husband, Chuck. "But if Mr. Haberle drowns a plate of sesame-marinated cuttlefish in hot, infected jets of his pus-curdled cum, Chuck and I know to stay away from it."

More from this section

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.

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