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50 Years Of ‘Star Trek’

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Despite the recent box-office failures of Exodus, Ben-Hur, and Gods Of Egypt, studios continue to fund big-budget movies they hope will achieve blockbuster success. The Onion provides a step-by-step breakdown of how one of these movies becomes a flop:

Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 30, 2016

ARIES: Sometimes in life, you just need to stop whatever it is you’re doing and take a step back. Actually, maybe it’s two steps back. Yeah, that’s good. Keep going. The stars will let you know when you’re far enough.

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of August 9, 2016

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of June 14, 2016

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Lost Jack London Manuscript, ‘The Doggy,’ Found

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Guide To The Characters Of ‘The Force Awakens’

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Robert De Niro Stunned To Learn Of Man Who Can Quote ‘Goodfellas’

‘Bring Him To Me,’ Actor Demands

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Timeline Of The James Bond Series

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Entertainment

Food Critic Tears Radish Canapés With Salmon Mousse A New Asshole

MANCHESTER, NH—An appetizer of radish canapés with salmon mousse served at local French restaurant La Maison de Vin was torn a new asshole this week, according to Concord Monitor food critic Bernard Haberle, who reviewed the establishment in his "Good Eating" column.

"I ripped those canapés a hole so wide they'll be shitting blood for days," said Haberle, who singled out the dish in his review, calling it "a misguided fusion of land and sea."

"The mousse alone got a reaming that will have it crying for its mama," he added.

The hors d'oeuvres, presented on a bed of arugula topped with a salmon mousse of blended shallots, green onions, and white wine, were "force-fed their own balls" by Haberle, who in his column described the menu item as "a modest offering that should have aspired for more."

"I beat the living fuck out of that dish," said Haberle, whose column has over the last 15 years become a staple in the Concord Monitor "Lifestyles And Culture" section.

"If that appetizer knows what's good for it, it'll get on its knees and pray for mercy from sweet baby Jesus, because I went John Wayne Gacy on that shit," Haberle said. "Those canapés are probably wishing they had a dollop of crème fraîche to hide behind."

Haberle said that he takes a broad array of factors into account—including quality and freshness of ingredients, attention to detail, and price—before deciding whether or not a particular course deserves to be "bent backwards over a toilet and skull-fucked."

The dish that got "ripped a new one" by Haberle (above).

"Did you read the part where I say the canapés' 'pedestrian plating falls somewhere between gauche and maladroit'? Take that, sub-par appetizer."

Haberle hastened to add that, although he is a discriminating critic, he more often than not gives positive reviews.

"I have no problem with slobbing the knob of a Gorgonzola-stuffed prawn if I feel it's earned. Just last week, I had a roasted striped bass in an almond-chanterelle crust with caramelized cipollini onions that was so divine I'd piss-gargle its sweaty balls in an abortion-clinic dumpster if that's what it was into."

When asked if he will return to La Maison de Vin to give the canapés a "second go-round," Haberle responded, "I kick-fucked that bitch, and I think it's best I leave it to rot in the ditch where I left it."

Members of the community have defended Haberle's review, saying his column has proven indispensable when selecting restaurants.

"Sure, he's being a little hard on the dish," said Sue Wellington, 42, who regularly dines out with her husband, Chuck. "But if Mr. Haberle drowns a plate of sesame-marinated cuttlefish in hot, infected jets of his pus-curdled cum, Chuck and I know to stay away from it."

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