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Black Man Out Of Work

WASHINGTON—Joining the ranks of the unemployed at a time when joblessness remains stubbornly high among African Americans, 55-year-old local black man Barack Obama has lost the full-time job he has held for the past eight years, sources confirmed Friday.

Departing Obama Tearfully Shoos Away Loyal Drone Following Him Out Of White House

‘Go On Now, Git,’ Says Former President

WASHINGTON—Stopping and turning around as he made his way across the South Lawn after hearing the unmanned aerial vehicle hovering just feet behind him, outgoing President Barack Obama tearfully shooed away a loyal MQ-9 Reaper drone attempting to follow him out of the White House, sources confirmed Friday.

Jimmy Carter Contemplating Dying Right Here And Now

WASHINGTON—Carefully weighing the pros and cons of each option from his seat onstage at Donald Trump’s inauguration, former president Jimmy Carter is, according to late-breaking reports, currently contemplating dying right here and now.
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Food Critic's Wife Makes The Best Lasagna She Possibly Can

CHARLOTTE, NC– Fran Greaves, wife of Charlotte Observer restaurant critic Paul Greaves, said Monday that she tries to make the best lasagna she possibly can. "I made this gourmet lasagna completely by the book," Greaves said. "I bought fresh ingredients from the farmer's market, I made the pasta from scratch with semolina flour. But I just can't shake the feeling that it still won't be good enough for Paul." Greaves' husband has previously been disappointed in his wife's chicken marsala, veal schnitzel, and lemon chiffon cake.

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