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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Football Coach Who Just Cursed Out 14-Year-Old Also Special Education Teacher

ALEXANDRIA, AL—Sources at Alexandria High School confirmed Thursday that football head coach Eric Grier, the man who just unleashed an abusive, profane tirade at 14-year-old freshman linebacker Brandon Baker, also serves as the school’s special education teacher. “What the fuck was that? You’re lollygagging out there like a fucking turd,” said Grier, who during the school day is responsible for teaching and providing emotional support to kids with learning and developmental disorders. “No, shut the fuck up. That was fucking horrendous. You’re wasting this team’s time and you’re wasting my goddamn time, so I better not fucking see you pulling any more of that soft-ass pansy bullshit.” After practice ended, the 36-year-old coach reportedly drove home to have dinner with his wife and two young children.

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