Foppish Dandy Disregards Local Constabulary

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Vol 30 Issue 11

Fourth Tool Discovered

FELK, WY—Carpenters worldwide are celebrating Sunday's discovery of a fourth tool: the screwdriver. Until Monday, laborers had but three tools at their disposal: the saw, the hammer and the rotary belt sander. Though many had speculated that a fourth tool might exist, such theories had not been proven true until carpenter Don Kniftle used a screwdriver to insert screws into particle board. "It occurred to me that my screwdriver could be considered a tool," Kniftle said. "A tool is defined as any instrument worked by hand to assist in a task. For example, if I were to use this wrench here to turn these nuts, it too could be considered a... Hey, wait a minute!"

Man Avoids Messing With Texas

JOPLIN, MO—An area man's aggression toward the Longhorn State was curbed Sunday after he read a bumper sticker that warned, "Don't Mess With Texas." The incident escalated after Joplin resident Jake Vretnar, 31, swore to friends in a drunken tirade that he would "go and fuck up that state." Vretnar boarded his truck for the drive, but cut his trip short upon seeing the bumper sticker. "I guess they're serious," he said.

Family Saved By Three-Way Inflatable Goat

MIAMI—A family of four, rescued Monday after floating in the Gulf of Mexico for nearly two weeks, credited its salvation to the father's aberrant sex toy. The Clowes family and its luggage were swept from the deck of a Carnival Cruise ship during a freak storm. Father Gerald Clowes, a librarian, reluctantly inflated "Pink-Hole: The Three-Way Inflatable Goat" only after his toddler children, Ben and Tricia, began to drown. The two children clung to Pink-Hole for 13 days before being saved by a boat of Haitian refugees.

Pop Stars To Consolidate

LOS ANGELES—Aging pop stars Elton John and Billy Joel will combine into one artist, tentatively named "Billy John," record industry executives announced Monday. The two stars' identical baby-boomer audience, as well as the similarities in their inoffensive, adult-oriented songwriting style, were cited as reasons for the change. "Face it, in today's market, there's just less and less room for more than one artist in this niche," Billy John spokesperson Sol Herberger said. A computer-generated image combining the two singers into one person has already been signed as the new spokesman for Coke, and a deluxe box set will be released this December. If the merger is successful, additional pop mergers have been planned, including a combination of Eric Clapton and Phil Collins.

I Love Being a Hostage

Do you know what I love? I'll give you a hint: I can't speak to my loved ones, I eat irregularly at best and I am miles away from the land I call home. Oops, that's three hints! Oh well. Give up? I love being a hostage, that's what I love!
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Foppish Dandy Disregards Local Constabulary

Despite repeated appeals to his better judgment and several stern appraisals of disapproval, Mr. M____, of Nortfordshire Suffolk-Wain, a foppish dandy of eccentric reputation, disregarded a number of local constabulary this Thursday last.

M____, who is a well-known socialite and composer of light verse, is said to have behaved most rudely toward the constables, responding to their attempts to subdue him with what one witness called "an air of casual dismissal." The police, who were extremely offended by the snubbing, have accused him of acting in poor taste, looking down his nose, and playing the inappropriate role of a prima donna.

Although at this time certain aspects of the incident remain unclear, it is generally agreed that M____'s conduct was most irregular and boorish, and by no means appropriate for a gentleman of his standing.

The fracas occurred at the country estate of Madam K____, where guests had gathered to enjoy one of the Madam's famed thrice-yearly entertainments. Although all accounts indicate that the bulk of the party-goers were tasteful and well-mannered in all respects, M_____ had by mid-afternoon dispatched "a great amount of port," and had begun to offend the sensibilities of his fellows. Observers note that M____ seemed "lost in reverie": singing mightily, tossing his curly locks to and fro, gesturing madly about the room and laughing gaily all the while.

In addition, he is described as dominating conversation, eating all the comfits, wickedly quipping bon mots derived from village gossip and comporting himself generally in a manner most unbecoming and unsettling.

After being seated for the meal, M____ apparently calmed himself, much to the relief of his peers. However, although the first few courses of dinner were uneventful, the arrival of the steamed pheasant set off another outburst, proving the earlier peace to be a mere respite from M____'s ill-mannered displays of cheek. M____ is said to have amused himself by kicking up his heels, prancing daintily about the dining hall and extemporaneously composing unflattering quatrains with which he ridiculed and belittled the other guests.

"He behaved as though all the world was merely an addendum to himself, and he an object of adoration to more lowly folk," said Mrs. P____, wife of a prominent captain of industry. "After every remark, he would turn wildly about and bow, as if his overtures were being met in each instance with thunderous applause. What a beastly person."

Mrs. P____, who was the victim of some of the more tasteless parodic jests, is leaving for the Continent soon in an effort to put the unfortunate unpleasantness behind her.

The officers arrived after entreaties by the gathered citizenry to intervene on their behalf. They found M____ in the process of attempting to circumnavigate one of Madam K___'s award-winning botanical arrangements—and, failing spectacularly, overturning the table upon which it had been situated.

"There he sat, amidst the flora and spilled wine, loudly demanding a freshly laundered ascot and waistcoat," said one officer present at the time of the snubbing. "We tried to explain to him the folly of his ways, but he insisted on putting on airs." The constables commanded M____ to curb his excessive merry-making, but were promptly snubbed by him, after which they were extremely peeved.

As punishment for his untoward attitude, M____ was forcibly removed to the village station house, where he was thrashed severely about the buttocks with a willow switch. In addition, it was required of him to send handwritten notices of apology to all offended constabulary through the registered daily mail, and to ruminate in verse on what he had done to merit such a severe and uncompromising reprimand from the forces of law by writing, "I do not wish to go to gaol" one hundred times neatly.

He has been warned that it will not count unless his handwriting is decent, proper, and presentable. No word yet on whether he is continuing to joke, jape or jest at the expense of others.

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