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Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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'Forbes' Names Tim Tebow World’s Most Influential Former Athlete

NEW YORK—Forbes magazine named recently cut New York Jets backup quarterback Tim Tebow as the world’s most influential former athlete Thursday, stating that the 25-year-old holds more sway than anyone else who used to play sports. “In the world of professional sports played before April 2013, Tim Tebow is king,” said Forbes sportswriter Tom Van Riper, adding that the ex-NFL player was still tremendously popular and held a position of stature among athletes who have concluded their careers. “We asked Americans which washed-up former backup athlete they believe wields the most clout, and most didn’t even hesitate as they said Tim Tebow.” Forbes sources confirmed that Tebow narrowly beat out fellow former athlete Derek Jeter for the list’s top spot.

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