NEW YORK—Featuring brief career summaries and estimated net worths of some of the most successful and prominent leaders in business, Forbes magazine published Thursday its annual list of the world’s 100 Most Punchable CEOs.
Based on criteria such as their scope of influence, public image, annual income, and general physical appearance, the 2014 list provides readers with a numbered ranking of top corporate executives from around the world rated by how gratifying it would be to nail them with a solid kidney shot or a stiff jab to the mouth.
“This year’s list features pioneering and influential executives from a diverse range of industries, all of whom are pretty much asking to be slugged, slapped, shoved, or tripped right as they walk into an important board meeting,” said Forbes editor Randall Lane, adding that the 100 CEOs run businesses collectively worth trillions of dollars and all fully deserve a sharp elbow right in the solar plexus that leaves them doubled forward and gasping for air. “As with every year’s rankings, we sat down and really delved into the question at hand: Which international business leaders would we most want to see frantically clutching their noses in pain as blood streams down onto their starched white Italian shirts?”
“The Forbes editorial board considered hundreds of candidates, and it was frankly very difficult to narrow down the list to just 100 names,” Lane continued. “But we’re confident that as readers page through the bios and look at the shit-eating grins on these fuckers, they’ll want to knee every goddamn one of them right in the gut.”
Oracle CEO Larry Ellison topped the Forbes Most Punchable list for the second year running, followed closely by BP’s Bob Dudley, Amazon’s Jeff Bezos, General Electric’s Jeff Immelt, AOL’s Tim Armstrong, and Rupert Murdoch of News Corp. Lane told reporters the overall list includes executives from finance, technology, energy, media, and pharmaceuticals, stressing that the selected CEOs all have extensive influence in the worlds of business and politics and are each in dire need of a firm smack to the back of the head just as they’re about to sip from a mug of hot coffee.
According to Lane, there is very little separating the top industrialists on the list, all of whom it would be equally satisfying to either uppercut square in the jaw, pull in by the tie and clobber in the side of the face with a closed fist or glass paperweight, or kick down a flight of stairs and gleefully watch as their $1,200 leather briefcase is sent flying wildly into the air.
Forbes also highlighted Goldman Sachs CEO Lloyd Blankfein with a special three-page spread, arguing that the 59-year-old capitalist is practically begging to be held down on the ground and have his face rubbed in a pile of dog shit while he frantically flails his arms and screams.
“We’ve been seeing a continuing trend over the last decade of younger and younger CEOs whom you’d love to just pin down with a knee to the chest, grab by the wrists, and force to hit themselves in their own face,” said Lane, noting that 29-year-old Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg jumped seven spots from last year’s list after Forbes editors imagined tying his hands behind his back, holding him up by that dumb fucking sweatshirt he always wears, and mercilessly pummeling him for 20 minutes straight. “There were a few up-and-coming names who unfortunately didn’t make the cut this time around, but don’t be surprised if by this time next year you’re smiling widely at the thought of coldcocking them so hard their eyes get all puffy and stay swollen shut for days.”
“Just one free shot that you can put all your weight into,” added Lane, closing his eyes while slowly following through with an imaginary haymaker. “Right in the fucking face.”
Lane confirmed that all 100 CEOs would also be included on Forbes’ forthcoming general list of the world’s Most Punchable People, which will be roughly 80,000 names long.