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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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Ford Assembly Line Foreman Thinking About Asking Out Cute Welding Robot From Work

DEARBORN, MI—Sources said Tuesday that Bruce Garver, a 42-year-old assembly line foreman at the Ford Motor Company's Dearborn, MI, plant, is giving serious consideration to asking a cute welding robot he works with out on a date. "She's not only pretty, but I've never seen anyone so committed to their job," said Garver, who said he'd asked around and learned that no one recalled the DX 700 spot welder ever mentioning a boyfriend. "I'd never want to interfere with that, of course, but I bet she gets lonely sometimes. I know I do." At press time, Garver had still not approached the 1,900-pound robot, reportedly convinced that she was way out of his league.

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