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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Ford Assembly Line Foreman Thinking About Asking Out Cute Welding Robot From Work

DEARBORN, MI—Sources said Tuesday that Bruce Garver, a 42-year-old assembly line foreman at the Ford Motor Company's Dearborn, MI, plant, is giving serious consideration to asking a cute welding robot he works with out on a date. "She's not only pretty, but I've never seen anyone so committed to their job," said Garver, who said he'd asked around and learned that no one recalled the DX 700 spot welder ever mentioning a boyfriend. "I'd never want to interfere with that, of course, but I bet she gets lonely sometimes. I know I do." At press time, Garver had still not approached the 1,900-pound robot, reportedly convinced that she was way out of his league.

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