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Pfizer Researchers Discover New Stimulating, Medicating, Captivating Cure For What Ails You

Amazing Hair-Raising Tonic Treats Aches, Ailments, And All Manners Of Female Complaints, Reveal Dazzlingly Attired Scientists

NEW YORK—According to fast-talking, dazzlingly-dressed researchers at the Pfizer pharmaceutical corporation, they have discovered a brand new stimulating, medicating, captivating cure for complaints ranging from distemper to discontent—a hair-raising tonic they announced Monday would treat all manner of aches, ailments and even female complaints.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Infographic: 20 Years Of Netflix

Netflix was founded as an online DVD rental service in 1997 and has since evolved into a subscription-based streaming platform with its own slate of original programming. The Onion looks back at the most important moments in the company’s 20-year history.

Archivists Unearth Rare Early Career Paul Newman Salsa

WESTPORT, CT—Shedding light on the formative years of the late actor and philanthropist, researchers cataloging the personal archives of Paul Newman confirmed Friday they had uncovered a long-forgotten salsa from early in his career.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.

Listen, Area Boss Gets It

PHILADELPHIA—Readily admitting that everything you’re saying makes a lot of sense, Greenwave Media accounts manager Bryan Mellis confirmed on Wednesday that he totally gets it.
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Ford Recalls 2010 Mustang For Being Too Cool

DETROIT—-Ford officials issued a massive recall of the entire 2010 Mustang line Tuesday, apologizing for a quality-control oversight that led to the company manufacturing a badass muscle car that was way too awesome for the American public. “We deeply regret this lapse in judgment and accept full responsibility for the mistake,” Ford CEO Alan R. Mulally said standing beside a gorgeous, cherry-red vehicle recalled for being “way too smoking.” “After numerous road tests, we’ve found the car to be a mean, mean ride that Americans are simply not cool enough to handle, and it would be irresponsible of us to allow anyone to get behind the wheel of this killer car. It’s truly frightening how sweet the Mustang is.” According to Mulally, Ford has canceled production on the 2011 Mustang, and will instead release a line of fuel-efficient vehicles in an effort to appeal to boring old Americans.

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