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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Foreign Guy Probably Dressed Very Fashionably For Wherever He’s From

DENVER—According to sources, the foreign guy spotted on Colfax Avenue wearing tight, distressed green jeans and a graphic tee could very well be at the height of fashion back in his home country, wherever that may be. “Sure, he’s wearing really boxy glasses and his hair is all spiky on top and shaved around the sides, but I don’t know, maybe that’s just what’s in vogue back where he’s from,” said Denver resident Kyle Shea, adding that in the foreign man’s birthplace it is probably the height of chic to have the word “Love” embroidered in glitter across one’s T-shirt. “Hell, maybe all the tastemakers in God-knows-where-he’s-from leave the house every day in purple undershirts, Skechers, and gold chains. Who am I to say?” At press time, Shea was thinking it’s got to be either Russia or Croatia, possibly Turkey.

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