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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.
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Foreign Guy Probably Dressed Very Fashionably For Wherever He’s From

DENVER—According to sources, the foreign guy spotted on Colfax Avenue wearing tight, distressed green jeans and a graphic tee could very well be at the height of fashion back in his home country, wherever that may be. “Sure, he’s wearing really boxy glasses and his hair is all spiky on top and shaved around the sides, but I don’t know, maybe that’s just what’s in vogue back where he’s from,” said Denver resident Kyle Shea, adding that in the foreign man’s birthplace it is probably the height of chic to have the word “Love” embroidered in glitter across one’s T-shirt. “Hell, maybe all the tastemakers in God-knows-where-he’s-from leave the house every day in purple undershirts, Skechers, and gold chains. Who am I to say?” At press time, Shea was thinking it’s got to be either Russia or Croatia, possibly Turkey.

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