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Poll: 89% Of Debate Viewers Tuning In Solely To See Whether Roof Collapses

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Explaining that the American people showed relatively little interest in learning more about the nominees’ economic, counterterrorism, or immigration policies, a new Quinnipiac University poll revealed that 89 percent of viewers were tuning into Monday night’s presidential debate solely to see whether the roof collapses on the two candidates.

New Study Finds Solving Every Single Personal Problem Reduces Anxiety

SEATTLE—Explaining that participants left the clinical trial feeling calmer and more positive, a study published Monday by psychologists at the University of Washington has determined that people can significantly reduce their anxiety by solving every single one of their personal problems.

Trump Planning To Throw Lie About Immigrant Crime Rate Out There Early In Debate To Gauge How Much He Can Get Away With

HEMPSTEAD, NY—Saying he would probably introduce the falsehood in his opening statement or perhaps during his response to the night’s first question, Republican nominee Donald Trump reported Monday he was planning to throw out a blatant lie about the level of crime committed by immigrants early in the first presidential debate to gauge how much he’d be allowed to get away with.

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?

Obesity: Myth Vs. Fact

With as many as one in three people in the U.S. qualifying as obese, misconceptions are often formed about what it means to be significantly overweight. The Onion separates obesity myths from facts
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Foreign Travel Tips

Traveling abroad can be a wonderful experience, but it's even better when you're prepared. Here are some tips to help make your next trip a safe and enjoyable one:


  • Get foreign TV schedules in advance to decide exactly what shows you want to watch.
  • Always bellow, "I'm an American, you filthy foreign barbarians!" to ensure top-quality service while abroad.
  • If you bend over to close your suitcase and hear a "Zwip! Thump!" sound, then discover a knife wobbling in the wall behind you, it could mean you've unintentionally become entangled in a web of international espionage and intrigue.
  • Carrying cash is unwise when traveling abroad; be sure to purchase lenty of McDonald's gift certificates before you leave.
  • Before leaving home, take your pets to local humane society and have them put to sleep; get new pets when you come back.
  • Many people in foreign countries do not speak English; you may need to speak louder and/or slower in order to make yourself understood.
  • When traveling through Europe, remind everyone you encounter that, if not for America, they would all be speaking German. (Note: Does not work in Germany.)
  • Do not treat foreign waiters with the slightest shred of human dignity; a friendly attitude will only earn their disrespect.
  • When traveling through Italy, be sure to get a load of the racks on some of those Ginas.
  • If you see Karl Malden ominously narrating before a camera while you are checking into a hotel, keep an extra-close eye on your credit cards; a commercial may be being filmed with you as the subject/victim.
  • When in Great Britain, remember to follow local customs and eat with a pair of tweezers.
  • When reentering U.S., remove heroin-filled condoms from stomach immediately.
  • Foreigners have lots of colorful local customs and ways; many of them will not mind if you ask them to shoot bananas out of their vaginas, blow smoke rings with their anuses, or perform fellatio on mules. Live it up a little! It can't hurt to ask.
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