Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls

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Vol 46 Issue 07

Local Snowplow Guy Ruins Winter Olympics

VANCOUVER—The 2010 Winter Olympics were postponed indefinitely Friday morning after snowplow operator Dominic Wondolowski arrived on the scene Thursday night, a snowplow affixed to his 1994 Ford F-150, and proceeded to clear out nearly all of the snow from every Olympic venue.

Construction Restricts Daytona 500 Traffic To One Lane

DAYTONA BEACH, FL—Construction crews working to patch the rippled and broken asphalt of Daytona International Speedway reduced traffic to a single lane during last Sunday's Daytona 500, resulting in average speeds of 35 miles per hour.

Nate Robinson

The high-scoring point guard is now the first three-time NBA Slam-Dunk Contest winner. Is he any good?

Lawmaker Seeks To Ban U.S. Currency

Mike Pitts, a representative in the South Carolina legislature, has proposed a law that would replace dollars with gold and silver in his state. What...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

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Man Commits To New TV Show Just Hours After Getting Out Of 7-Season Series

UNION CITY, NJ—Recommending that he give himself the chance to pause and explore the other options out there, friends of local man Jonathan Gember expressed their concerns to reporters Wednesday that the 29-year-old is already committing to a new television show just hours after getting out of a seven-season-long series.

Fork Manufacturer Introduces Fifth Tine To Accommodate Growing American Mouthfuls

EVANSVILLE, IN—In an effort to keep pace with the rapid growth of American mouthfuls, flatware manufacturer KitchenMaster announced yesterday the addition of a fifth tine to its line of dinner forks. "These days, a traditional four-tined fork is just not enough to handle the quantities of food people shove down their throats," said company spokesman Ken Krimstein, holding up a fork supporting six separate tortellini, two turkey sausages, and some mashed potatoes. "To stay relevant to our customer base and bring back some of those who have given up on using utensils entirely, this was an adjustment we just had to make." Krimstein added that the augmented forks would soon be followed by 25 percent deeper spoons and 3-gallon gravy boats.

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