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The Onion’s 2017 Oscar Picks

The 89th Academy Awards features a more diverse slate of film and actor nominees than in past years, though the ceremony could still field #OscarsSoWhite criticism. Here are The Onion’s picks for who should take home the coveted Oscar statuettes:

A Timeline Of The EPA

A recently introduced House bill that would dissolve the Environmental Protection Agency questions the value of what this agency does and what its goals are. The Onion provides a timeline of the EPA’s 47-year history:
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Former Big Celebrity Finds New Career As Pathetic Former Celebrity

HOLLYWOOD, CA— Eighteen years after his fame peaked with The Karate Kid, former big celebrity Ralph Macchio has discovered a new, lucrative career in the rapidly growing field of washed-up celebritydom. "I just recorded a cameo on King Of The Hill where, after Bobby gets cast in a movie, I explain to him that fame is fleeting," Macchio said Monday. "And I taped a Drew Carey Show appearance where I woo a girl away from Drew, and he moans about how he's 'even losing chicks to Ralph Macchio.'" Macchio will also appear in an upcoming Stanley Tools ad, in which, over an image of his face, the announcer says, "Some things come and go, but Stanley is forever."

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