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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Former Big Celebrity Finds New Career As Pathetic Former Celebrity

HOLLYWOOD, CA— Eighteen years after his fame peaked with The Karate Kid, former big celebrity Ralph Macchio has discovered a new, lucrative career in the rapidly growing field of washed-up celebritydom. "I just recorded a cameo on King Of The Hill where, after Bobby gets cast in a movie, I explain to him that fame is fleeting," Macchio said Monday. "And I taped a Drew Carey Show appearance where I woo a girl away from Drew, and he moans about how he's 'even losing chicks to Ralph Macchio.'" Macchio will also appear in an upcoming Stanley Tools ad, in which, over an image of his face, the announcer says, "Some things come and go, but Stanley is forever."

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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